Sometimes, I Don’t Have Anything Funny to Say

Laughter magazine

You know, there are very few times in life when I haven’t had something funny to say. When those rare times come around though, I like to think back on some of the things people have said to me, or things I have heard, or things I myself have said that are humorous and hope it relights the funny fire in me. It’s only Wednesday and this week has already become a giant suckfest. So, in order to try and see the bright side, and to revel a bit in happier times, I have compiled a list (actually it was all in an old journal so I guess it would be more fair to say a past version of me compiled this list a few years ago) I hope you get a laugh out of some of these quotes.

“Looks are 98% of everything.”

I’m not sure what the other 2% is but I think it’s probably gumption.

“Drinking makes us more inclined to recommend ourselves to strangers”

My freshman philosophy professor said this to me. Nietzsche just couldn’t compare.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but….your Mom is a slut!”

I don’t know who said this or how it made its way into my quotes journal. If it was me then I’m somehow proud. If it was someone else, then I’m somehow offended.

“Great, you killed me and now I have nothing to live for.”

My sister brings me joy.

“Why is a Backstreet Boys song applying to my life?? Is it time to kill myself already?”

This one is all me. And it was like they had been watching my life and then wrote a song about it. Of course, the song came out before it applied to my life….maybe they have a time machine. Those boy band guys did make a lot of money; I bet they could totally afford a time machine.

“Ah, the sun. Nature’s prozac.”

Another one of mine. Although I’m pretty sure I have heard my Mom say this as well. I should probably copyright some of this stuff.

“That is so unparallel, it’s perpendicular.”

I didn’t say this. I wish I had. But I’m not really that good at math.

“Oh! So you want to play Scientist? Why don’t you just ring a bell and see if I salivate all over myself?”

Courtesy of my Dad, a real-life scientist.

“Me- That guy looks weird.

My Sister- Uh, rude! He’s Canadian.

Me- What?”

This happened. I don’t know what else to say about it.

“I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say what’s in my heart…baboom, baboom, baboom.”

My favorite quote of all time delivered by one Mr. Mel Brooks.

“Stripper poles and male strippers. What’s not retirement about that?”

I love senior adults.

“Way to bitch up the conversation Helen.”

Rev. Lovejoy on the Simpsons. It never fails to make me laugh.

And of course, the quote I need to focus on the most this week, and the one I try to live my life by- “The most wasted of all days, is one without laughter.” E.E. Cummings.

I hope you laughed today.

17 thoughts on “Sometimes, I Don’t Have Anything Funny to Say

  1. Even when you think your funny is broken, you still make people smile and laugh. You really are maintaining the standard, Contrary Girl.

    I think I speak for all your readers when I say thank you for that. I’m sure Mel Brooks himself would applaud your consistency in entertaining us all.

    And Simpsons quotes are gold. I also find that Futurama can re-energize my humour, among many other things.

    • Thank you! You are such an encourager! That’s a unique quality and I appreciate it very much!!!

  2. I just found you via EduClaytion and believe you must be added to my blogroll: STAT! You are hilarious and serious and I just adore you already.

    Luckily, I don’t have the pressure to be funny on my blog. I’m much funnier in person than I am in writing. Working. On. It.

    One of my favorite funnies, overheard: “Could two people really find true love over a stupid gonad cyst.”

    Lessons From Teachers and Twits

    • Thanks so much! Also, that quote is being added to my funny quotes journal- it’s too hilarious!

  3. Backstreet Boys huh ? Was the song that was applying to your life “Quit Playing Games w My Heart?” or were you having a hard time “Rocking your Body”? Or was “Hey Mr DJ” pissing you off?
    I know this might be sad. I know a lot Backstreet Boys song. I even created a renedition to Rock your body for my little girls. Its called Wash Your Body and I sing it to them with I am bathing them.
    Whew, I just revealed a crazy secret!

    • That is probably the most awesome thing I have heard in ages. You must be like the best Mom ever. I can’t remember which song it was, but trust me, I know quite a few myself.

  4. I am still laughing at the Charlie The Unicorn videos you posted a while back. “Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear.” I feel like I am about to get advice along those lines the next time I don’t look excited over something about which people think I am supposed to be excited.

  5. also from the Simpson’s

    Homer: Help me Lisa, I have serious mental problems.

    No matter how many times I try to slip that into a coversation I can’t do it with a straight face

  6. A great collection!! My human has one you might want to add. “Life is a collection of least worst decisions – like who you’re gonna vote for.” It fits so many things!

  7. There is one line from Men In Black that makes me laugh no matter how many times I hear it….

    “Oh, and hire a decorator quick ’cause…..damn.”

  8. I hate days when I have nothing to say, few and far between but it annoys me when I want to blog, or I’ll blog, read it back to myself and delete it.

    I also LOVE quotes, so much so, I have downloaded a Quotes App for my iPhone!

    (I hadn’t laughed today until I read this blog….thank you).

    • Thanks so much! I appreciate it and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who occasionally runs out of funny.


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