I Was Sent A Teen Vogue. Huh.

teen vogue

So, the mail held an interesting surprise for me yesterday- a Teen Vogue. Huh. I am long out of my “teens”, although, I do like to stay in “vogue”. Anyway, I decided not to waste this serendipitous gift so I read Teen Vogue. Cover to cover. Here is what I learned.

1. Teenagers really like to smell good because every other page was a perfume ad. Also, that makes for a very pungent magazine as not all these perfumes really work together.

2. The is such as thing as a “friend poacher”. That is somebody who is kind of a friend but really tries to steal all of your friends. Which means they are really not your friend. So, I guess, watch out for poachers. And not just the animal kind.

3. If you are a Taurus, like I am, the following is your December horoscope: If you tend to be a control freak about making holiday plans for you and your boyfriend, leave the task to him this year. Trust that he will organize a fun winter break.  Um….no. Also, I’m an adult Teen Vogue, I don’t get a “winter break” much less a fun one planned by my imaginary boyfriend.

4. If you are an adult and you read your Teen Vogue horoscope, it will make you feel bad.

5. Models who are “off duty” look just as good as if they were “on duty”.

6. Kelly Osbourne would like to like to throw a party in the White House. Me too! Who knew we had so much in common?

7. There are only four types of people in this world- those who like sleepovers, those who like bright stuff, those who are glam, and those who are world travelers. And if you don’t choose a gift from Teen Vogue that falls into one of those four categories, then you are buying the wrong gift.

8. Kate Bosworth now designs jewelry.

9. You can make your own stylish jewelry. But you probably won’t.

10. If you don’t own a chambray shirt then you are pretty much the worst dresser ever.

11. Bonnie Wright, who plays Ginny Weasley in Harry Potter, is pretty awesome.

12. Sparkles.

13. An interview with Cory Monteith and Lea Michele made me love Glee more.

14. If you have a bedroom, it should be pink, tie-dye, or floral.

15. In Teen Vogue, “going green” means you’re jealous- not environmentally friendly.

I hope that you all feel as enlightened as I did after I read this magazine. And by enlightened, I mean feel like your youth is gone forever and that you have no clue what teenagers are talking about. But maybe if I keep getting these magazines I will learn what teenagers are talking about- although, I think that might make me come off as a bit of a creepster. Dilemma. Also, why in the world did I get this magazine???

26 thoughts on “I Was Sent A Teen Vogue. Huh.

  1. Teenagers – We Are So Awesome | TheCobwebOfTheWorld says:

    […] while ago, I was reading a post by girlonthecontrary , and I thought that I should correct the terrible misconceptions of teenagerness in the […]

  2. spidergirlxD says:

    Some more interesting facts about teenagers for you, along with some of our rules for living:
    1. No-one likes Zac Efron. He is ugly. (In my opinion, Oli Sykes from Bring Me The Horizon is much better looking, and much, much more talented.)
    2. We have created out own language. This is how to say hi: s#@! *^&%$^^!!! And goodbye: “^£&%$^*^
    3. We have another language as well: heeeeeyyy sup wubu2 zomg u spesh wth idk wht ur talkin abou kk gtg cya l8r ily bbbyyyyyeeee
    You must always use this language or the one mentioned in 2. To speak in normal English is an abomination.
    4. You must have a stereotype. You must be emo,goth, mosher, scene, nerd, chav, or preppy. Or you can be alternative – the stereotype for those without a stereotype. You must always dress and speak in the way of your stereotype, even if this means making drastic and ugly alterations to your school blazer.
    5. You must have an account on at least one social networking site, and you must update your status every other minute.
    6. You must be obsessed with at least one person at a time. You must stalk this person on various socail networking sites. You must have a giant poster of them on your bedroom wall, and pray to it twice every day. When you are asked about someone who is important to you, you must mention this person first and foremost. This obsession must change once every month.
    7. Temper tantrums are a must. If your parents ask you how your day was, you must immediately scream that it sucked and then lock yourself inside your room. Many enjoy slamming doors, breaking pottery, and committing acts of physical violence against others.
    8. Every teenager has a mobile phone which they use constantly, whether they are at home or in school, in the swimming pool or on the toilet. The model of phone must be changed every time something nice catches your eye.
    9. Groups of friends consist of three main categories:
    i) the bossy, popular ones
    ii) the henchmen
    iii)the hangers-on
    Never fraternise with other groups – they are different, and different is bad.
    10. The strange behavioural characteristics above are caused by the biological make-up of the teenage body. All teenagers consist of microchips, chocolate chips, cheese-and-onion flavour crisps, and a lethal amount of cyanide.

    I hope that helps xD

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      My mind is blown by this knowledge. Thank you so much for enlightening me! I was particularly surprised at #10 because I would have thought that teenagers were made of plain cheese crisps, not cheese-and-onion. That explains a lot. THANKS!!!! (Also, if I were a teenager I’m pretty sure I would fall in the “nerd” category- I hope now that you know this you will still read my blog.) :)

      1. spidergirlxD says:

        Yeah, don’t worry, I kind of fall into the nerd category, but people have a tendency to call me “emo” or “goth” as well, which I find kind of irritating, because listening to heavy music and dressing in dark clothes does NOT make you emo or goth. Or maybe it does. But I don’t do stereotypes. Actually, I don’t do very many of the ten things, but I’m a spider-mutant-living-corpse, so it doesn’t matter. =P
        I’ve read quite a lot of your posts, they’re AWESOME!!! I like your view on the world, it’s entertaining, and a lot of the things you say are completely true and I can relate to them.
        Please have a look at my blog, too, although I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go with it in the future, but… I’ll make it up as I go along. Just like life. xD

      2. girlonthecontrary says:

        Thanks so much for liking my blog! I will definitely check out yours! Don’t worry about not knowing where you want to go with it, it took me a while to decide what I wanted this blog to be. Just have fun writing it! Xx

  3. The Edmonton Tourist says:

    Teen Vogue, letting your teen boyfriend plan your winter break will only lead to heart ache and disappointment. He isn’t romantic and fun- nor does he grow up to be romantic and fun. That is just in the movies. Shows what you know Teen Vogue.

  4. xmichra says:

    Like Mandy up there, I have no idea what a chambray shirt is. Do you think my affection for my evening wear (aka sweatpants and college pullover) would leap me off the cool list? haha..

    Teen Vogue also tells the teens that being calorie obsessed has gone to far, but that’s okay! Because more and more they are going under the knife (i love cover titles!)…

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Haha! I know, sometimes, I’m really not sure what these kids are getting out of these magazines.

  5. Lies says:

    There’s no ‘like’ button? Where’s the like button!? I can’t comment. I don’t have anything constructive to say, not knowing what a chambray shirt is and hating sparkles. I like Glee, though. And the post. Still no button? Ok. LIKE. ;)

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Thanks! I appreciate it- and sorry the like button was hiding from you.

  6. bearyweather says:

    Amazing, more substance than I thought … I assumed articles about “boys”, cell phones, “boys”, social networking, “boys”, gaming, “boys”, hair styles, … did I mention boys?

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      You know, there wasn’t a whole lot about boys in there. Which is a shame because I could use the help.

  7. marinasleeps says:

    Ok 1. You definetely leave the Teen Vogue magazine out like in your living room or bathroom. Its a magazine and poses as an air freshner. Score!
    2. I would have to agree with the friend poacher. When I was in kinder, I had a best friend. Then the next day another girl stole her. I still think about that.
    3. I am a Virgo.
    4. If you are an adult reading Teen Vogue, nostaglia 101!
    5. I despise models
    6. The Secret Service would never let Kelly in the White House. Her dad peed on the Alamo for Christ’s sake.
    7. I like sleep overs and bright stuff. I win!
    8. Who? JK
    9. No I am not vogue like that.
    10. Oh god no! I dont own a chambray or something shirt. I still manage to stay uncool even after high school.
    11. Skip
    12. Like in Twilight! Awesome

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      I love that you responded to each of these individually. Sorry, I can’t help you out with the Virgo horoscope, I threw the magazine out- it was mocking me with shiny sparkling people.

  8. cooper says:

    I like my friends scrambled, not poached.
    Bonnie Wright impresses me as being pretty awesome.
    It is critical that a magazine be published to make people of all ages feel bad about themselves and feel they are entitled to live the photoshopped-hyped-imaginary lives of models and celebs. Oy vey.

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Hmmm scrambled friends? I wonder how that works? Also, are you telling me that we aren’t entitled to live the “photoshopped-hyped-imaginary lives of models and celebs”????

      1. cooper says:

        you are entitled to live your life any way that pleases you….say hi to Lindsey when you get to rehab….

  9. bobcb518 says:

    I would have much rather gotten a Teen Vogue magazine in the mail, than the one I got. AARP.

  10. Mandy says:

    I think I’m the worst dresser ever. I have no idea what a chambray shirt is. *runs to google* Ok, it’s looks very wrinkleable. I hate ironing. I’ll pass and continue to be the worst dresser ever.

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Hey, I’m not saying that you’re the worst dresser ever- it’s Teen Vogue. I couldn’t possible comment on whether or not you are the worst dresser ever.

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