As many of you know, I’m writing a book. It’s my first real dedicated effort in completing a book- I’ve written about 3 that didn’t make it to “The End.”, but this one is going the distance people! And I’m really excited. I can’t wait to get home and write and ideas are flowing. (Do ideas flow? People say that but I would say they pop. The ideas are popping out of me….yeah, I like that better. Or maybe bursting? Or exploding? Or raging? I don’t know, I can work that out later) Anyway, I’m writing a book. And my friends and family have been incredibly supportive. Especially Grammy. As evidenced in this exchange we had over lunch.
Grammy: What have you been up to?
Me: Writing a lot.
Grammy: That’s wonderful! If you need help proofreading just let me know.
Grammy: Hey! I’m an excellent proofreader! I even used to proofread all the letters the handicapped children wrote when I worked at the hospital.
Me: Are you saying that reading and proofing my book is going to be similar to reading and proofing the writings of a severely handicapped child?
Grammy: I was good at it!
Me: You dodged my question a bit there.
Grammy: Well…….(long insulting pause). What are you working on next?
Me: A book about you.
Grammy: Oh really!! (Claps hands)
Me: Yes. And it’s going to be hilarious. And maybe this conversation will be in it.
Grammy: Well, I can proofread that too!
Me: No way. You will just black out all the parts that you think make you look bad.
Grammy: Well……(another very long pause). I just wanted to help. (Insert pouty face)
Me: More rolls anyone?
Oh Grammy. In her defense, she is an excellent speller. In fact, she frequently will spell words out to you just to prove she knows how to spell them. But, I just can’t get past the fact that she says “umble” instead of “humble” and “massatusetts” instead of “massachusetts” or that she emphasizes the “tos” when she asks for “cheetos” because then all I can think about are gnarly cheese covered people toes, and that’s gross. What I might do, just to appease her, is send her a dummy copy of my book that maybe has lots of spelling errors and also sometimes pictures instead of words and also lots of inappropriate sexual references. That would probably hold her over while my actual book is being proofread by people who don’t compare my writing to that of a severely handicapped child. Also, it will give me lots of ammunition for my Grammy book. I may be an evil genius.