Apparently, my Grammy thinks that because I write about her so much she should be allowed to read my blog and have access to the internet. Can you believe that? I mean, sheesh, what is she going to demand next? What she doesn’t seem to realize is that we don’t let her have access to the internet for her own protection. Basically, we’re like guardian angels, protecting her from evil. She should be thanking us for our steadfast dedication to her well-being. Instead, she’s been saying really ungrateful things like “I sure would like to read your blog sometime.” and “I’m so proud of your writing, I can’t wait to read it.” Talk about diva behavior.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, we had this conversation.
Grammy: You say that people don’t know who I am because you don’t use my name or picture, but people know.
Me: People do NOT know.
Grammy: There is a man at church who always smiles at me.
Me: I imagine there are a lot of people at church who smile at you.
Grammy: I know he knows about your blurg.
Me: At this point, you’re saying “blurg” on purpose. You know it’s called a blog.
Grammy: He knows I’m the Grammy from your blog.
Me: Ok. Fine, in this case, I know you’re right but don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t tell anyone else. The mission has NOT been compromised! (I said this very dramatically and slammed my fist on the table ala every military movie I’ve ever seen)
Grammy: Well, I would at least like to see them just once before I promote to heaven.
Me: Really? You’re playing the death card this early in the conversation? Grammy, you’re going to live forever. The rest of us are going to die and you’re going to be 170 playing dominoes with robots.
Grammy: Oh, you think so?
Me: I do think so.
The conversation kind of changed track after that, bless her heart, she is so easily distracted, which actually serves my purposes pretty well. You might wonder why I don’t let her read my blogs about her, or teach her how to use the internet. There are two very good reasons.
1. If she read these blogs, she would stop saying anything to me that wasn’t a Bible verse or Bible related comment. And though that might sound like it has the potential to be hilarious, I can assure you it would not be hilarious because I’ve actually already had those types of conversations with her and nobody was laughing.
2. If we teach Grammy how to use the internet, we as a family will be doomed. There was actually a prophecy about that, it went something like “Woe unto those who would give Grammy access to the world, they will be punished until the ends of the earth.” Or you know, mostly, we’re really worried about her stumbling upon WebMD because she would have a new deadly disease everyday and there are only so many times I can convince her otherwise.
I mean, you make somebody a star and all of the sudden they have a long list of “demands”. It’s like, what next, Grammy? Do you only want white roses by your bedside, and honeysuckle candles everywhere you go, and a portion of the millions of dollars the book I’m writing about you is going to make?? I mean, how far is this going to go? Sure, as of now, the only demand you made was a polite request to read my blog but it’s a slippery slope, you know? A very slippery slope.