When Are You Going To Have A Baby?

Before I had Captain Thoughtful, I used to get asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” a lot. So, I came up with smart ass responses because that’s how I do. I thought my days of annoying questions was over but as the good Captain and I near our second anniversary we are being asked more and more frequently “When are you going to have a baby?”

You asked for it people. Warning: smart assery dead ahead!

– Well, as I understand it, the first step is having lots of unprotected sex. Then, his semen fertilizes my egg. Then, 9 months later a baby shoves it way out of my body in a pretty painful way. So, you see, it’s a multi-step process. These things take time.

– Can one ever “have” a baby? Or does the baby “have” you? Food for thought.

– Damn! I knew I forgot to pick something up at the store.

– I heard those are really expensive – will you be mailing me a check to cover those costs or do you have a literal boat filled with cash you are gifting me? I’m good with either.

– Do I not get issued one when I renew my passport? Is that not how it works? I’m sort of unclear on the specifics.

– We are just planning on adopting a successful 25 year old and calling it a job well done.

45 thoughts on “When Are You Going To Have A Baby?

  1. Quirky Little Planet says:

    All this is so true! Once you get married you can’t so much as feel nauseous/see your GP/hold a baby/look at a baby without people making comments.

    Apparently being pregnant doesn’t stop this, a friend of mine was expecting her second child and had people asking if she was going to have any more!!

  2. emilypageart says:

    Find out if your husband’s sperm comes fresh, frozen, or chilled before you buy.

  3. Dadto3 says:

    Re: does the baby have you. A midwife once told my wife whilst pregnant that the baby was a parasite taking all the nutrients from her, oh and by the way once born that won’t change.

  4. aneiran says:

    Brilliant! I’m keeping these up my sleeve for the day that question inevitably gets thrown my way. My partner and I are currently in the delightful ‘so, when are you guys getting married?’ pressure phase – nothing quite like a bunch of random people cramming the idea down your throat to destroy all possible romance in making that decision!

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Hahaha! Yeah, incessant questioning really takes the romance out of the moment.

  5. thechelseapage says:

    Oh my gosh Yes! This is so true and so annoying and so…. Perfect! hahaha! All of those dumb questions. I wish I could just hand them a card with all those answers.

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Haha! I love that idea! I’m going to get some printed up to hand out!

  6. ddupre315 says:

    I would simply say “I can’t have children, thanks for bringing it up.”

  7. Michael says:

    ” Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once. Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope. And you’ve got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception!” -The Tick.

  8. shaunkempston says:

    The questions go like this: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend > When are you going to get married? > When are you gonna have a baby > When are you gonna have baby number two > So your all done right > Oh wait, you want three > Are you a crazy person >

  9. yarnchick40 says:

    Seriously, go with the last option. Or the boat, that one had me snorting out loud :)

  10. Your Moderate Mama says:

    Your second point is spot on.

    Not only do they have you but they also have your stuff… like food!

    I have not eaten a whole cookie in 7 years and now that I have 3 kids I only get 1/4 of my cookie ;-)

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Whoa. I might not have kids at all now! You only get 1/4 a cookie????

      1. girlonthecontrary says:

        So you’re saying it’s not a bad way to lose some weight….. interesting.

  11. From Fit to Figure says:

    Love it. I especially liked the older post with “Boyfriend?” responses. I should make a point to use one of those soon. :) P.S. It never fails to amaze me that people have the audacity to ask questions like this. “None of your EFFING BUSINESS!” is what I would want to respond with. I, for one, don’t want kids. So now that I’m in my mid 30’s AND single I don’t get that question. I get the even WORSE response when asked if I’m seeing anyone which is “Oh that’s okay, you’ll meet someone soon.” LOLOL WTH? What makes you think I WANT to meet someone? Maybe I ENJOY being single. That seems to be a hard concept for many to grasp. “You’re single? And HAPPY about that?” :)

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Yeah, a lot of people seem to think happy and single are not possible at the same time. But I do so you just keep doing you sister!

  12. Yvo says:

    I can SO relate to this! Ever since I moved in with my hubby last year people can stop mentioning babies… Seeing every stomache ache as THE proof I’m actually pregnant. Le sigh. I really should start using some of your lines; my “I guess my biological clock isn’t working”, “I don’t see myself as a mother right now” and “I don’t even have patience for my cats and dog, how would I handle a baby?” responses are getting old. ;)

  13. Queen Sylvia says:

    I also get that a lot, some of these might actually come very much in handy. Thanks beforehand!

  14. Divya says:

    Hahaha …very well written. That should shut up a lot of people. Now you have prompted me to think how am I gonna answer those questions on ‘When will you get married’?? Any suggestions ??

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Hmmmmm how about

      – Oh! I actually married myself in a mirror ceremony last year. Sorry you couldn’t make it.
      – Wow. This is awkward. Did you forget that you and I are married?
      – No one told you?? We do not speak of it! Not after what happened last time……

  15. ashokbhatia says:

    I also believe that it is the baby who ‘has’ you. All the souls which are hanging around trying to get back to relish some more chocolate on dear Earth get to attend a fashion show where couples walk the ramp, their backgrounds are read off by a petite MC and the tax guys confirm their declared incomes over the past 3 years. Each soul gets to short-list up to five favorites. After a tough GD and a personal interview, each soul gets to choose the couple it would like to ‘have’!

  16. olivia says:

    Haha. Due to my grandma’s slightly imperfect English she says “when are you going to ‘get’ a baby?” Like I’d just go down to the shop and pick one up. Bless her cotton socks though.

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      “Bless your cotton socks” is my new favorite things to say! Thanks!

  17. bkeenan2010 says:

    These have been my exact thoughts and we have just been engaged for a little over six months now! To add the people asking then continue the question with private or public schooling said child…..are they planning on paying for this so called private schooling? As if having a baby isn’t expensive enough!

    Well said! LOVE your posts!

    xoxo, Bee

  18. kbeck13 says:

    Haha! I love this! People are always asking this question, not thinking that a.) some people want to wait to have kids b.) some don’t want them at all, and c.) some can’t have them. I love your responses because this kind of thing drives me nuts!

    1. girlonthecontrary says:

      Glad you like them! We all need a laugh in the face of annoying nosy questions. ;)

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