Last Friday night, I accidentally drank sour milk. The hows and whys aren’t important (because they make me look stupid) but it happened and it was awful.
I mean, at first it was just the taste and the idea that I had imbibed sour milk that was upsetting, but after about 2 hours it was the feeling of my guts declaring war on me that was truly horrific.
The next several hours were….. gory. At one point, I was so defeated that I made sure Captain Thoughtful knew what to put on my tombstone.
There Is No Be A Lifehacker – Only Zuul
May 1985- June 2015
She Drank Sour Milk
Please let my unpleasant Friday night serve as a warning to you all – check your milks best by date before you drink it.
Not too long ago, I was at a Starbucks on a coffee run. Then this happened.
Cashier: Your total is $10.66
Me: 1066! The Norman invasion! Battle of Hastings!
Me: Actually, yes.
Cashier: Sorry, I meant I don’t care.
Me: Ok then.
So, I can’t ever go back to that Starbucks again. Not because I am ashamed, but because I can’t stand to be served coffee by someone who wasn’t remotely interested in my random and all too enthusiastic historical outbursts. There are just too many random dates/names/places/people floating around in my head for me not to occasionally (aka all the time) drop some history on unsuspecting persons. Also, don’t mention my name at the Quiznos by Lake Travis, I once got into a pretty heated argument about Anne Boleyn there.
Regardless of the outcome of an encounter with a girl scout, I am left feeling good and guilty. If I buy cookies, I feel good because I made those little girls so happy and guilty because I am completely giving in to cookie temptation. If I don’t buy cookies, I feel good for resisting delicious sugary carbs and guilty because the looks on the girls faces when I say “No, thank you” makes me feel like I just ripped to shreds their favorite book. There is no winning during girl scout cookie season. Next year, I think I will just stay inside and hide until it’s all over and I can run errands without the emotional roller-coaster.
And now I feel sort of guilty for writing this post, so as a sign of goodwill, I will give all the girl scouts a good tip: If you see me next year and I say “no” to the cookies, maybe cry a little bit because then I will buy ALL your cookies and probably also start a college fund for you.
I have a confession – I almost always over-steep my tea. It’s shameful, but there it is. Mock me as you like. I deserve it.
Y’all. ESPN will try and trick you into thinking it’s only about sports and sport related news. While this might be technically true, do NOT let them fool you. Right in between showing a repeat of some college football bowl game and a new Big 12 basketball game, they will put in a segment about something really sweet and touching and you will start sobbing because it’s so sweet and who knew that ESPN would make you cry? You just wanted to watch basketball but now you have run out of tissues and your eyes are red and swollen and you can’t stop crying because of the precious kiddo with a life threatening illness that a college football team took under their wing and that kiddo has a huge smile on his face because he got to run in a touchdown and the whole team is crying and the kiddo is happy and WHERE ARE ALL THESE TEARS COMING FROM AND HOW DO YOU TURN THEM OFF???? Y’all, don’t let ESPN fool you like that.
I’ve always thought that red velvet cake is really just a platform for cream cheese icing.
I can think of no moment so precarious as the moment both you and a new friend enter the same public restroom and have to pee in stalls right next to each other. This is how you find out who is real friend material.