I can think of no moment so precarious as the moment both you and a new friend enter the same public restroom and have to pee in stalls right next to each other. This is how you find out who is real friend material.
I went to the dentist this week for the first time in three years. I HAD NO CAVITIES. When they handed me the complimentary toothbrush as I was leaving, I was so tempted to just throw it on the floor like a mic drop. But I didn’t. I wish I had. #regrets
I took the GRE last Saturday and though I did well (Yay! Thanks for sending all the good luck peeps!) I had major brain mush afterwards. My brain, it was all a-mush. Luckily, I happen to know the cure for brain mush and in the interest of eradicating brain mush forever, I wanted to share it. It is as follows:
1 big gulp sized glass of red wine (or whatever adult beverage you prefer)
1 large pizza of choice
12 hours of a Lord of the Rings movie marathon (Harry Potter movies will also work)
Voilà! You’re cured!
I saw this guy on TV who is a bartender at an awesome bar in New Orleans. He has degrees from Harvard and MIT. But he’s a bartender. He seemed so happy. Am I doing life wrong? I think I might be doing life wrong.
Before I had Captain Thoughtful, I used to get asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” a lot. So, I came up with smart ass responses because that’s how I do. I thought my days of annoying questions was over but as the good Captain and I near our second anniversary we are being asked more and more frequently “When are you going to have a baby?”
You asked for it people. Warning: smart assery dead ahead!
– Well, as I understand it, the first step is having lots of unprotected sex. Then, his semen fertilizes my egg. Then, 9 months later a baby shoves it way out of my body in a pretty painful way. So, you see, it’s a multi-step process. These things take time.
– Can one ever “have” a baby? Or does the baby “have” you? Food for thought.
– Damn! I knew I forgot to pick something up at the store.
– I heard those are really expensive – will you be mailing me a check to cover those costs or do you have a literal boat filled with cash you are gifting me? I’m good with either.
– Do I not get issued one when I renew my passport? Is that not how it works? I’m sort of unclear on the specifics.
– We are just planning on adopting a successful 25 year old and calling it a job well done.
I’ve been studying for the GRE and part of that includes learning some new vocabulary words, which I actually love doing because I’m a word nerd. Anyway, this word nerd was flipping through some vocab flash cards and I came across the word “enervate”. I threw it in the “know it” pile because obviously it has something to with awakening or enlivening someone because that is the spell used to revive someone who has been stunned as I read in Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire.
Enervate means to weaken or render feeble. At least that is what it means in reality. Clearly, it has a different meaning in the magical community. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’m being tested on reality so I’m going to go with the flash cards on this one. On the plus side, I feel even more confident I could dominate O.W.L.S, which as a theoretical Ravenclaw feels good.
On the downside, I’m not taking O.W.L.S, I’m taking the GRE. But the silver-lining to that is that I will never forget what “enervate” means so really this was a win/win for me.
Dear all the people,
If you see me at the grocery store or drugstore carrying an impossibly large box of tampons and speed walking like the devil to the register, then please do NOT push your cart in front of me and slow down making it impossible for me to get around you. You need to move —– get out the way immediately before I do something that my lawyer will no doubt refer to as “an unpleasant but legally justified incident”. In return, I will never NEVER get in your way if I see you racing toward the register with a box of tampons. Or condoms. Deal?