When Are You Going To Have A Baby?

Before I had Captain Thoughtful, I used to get asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” a lot. So, I came up with smart ass responses because that’s how I do. I thought my days of annoying questions was over but as the good Captain and I near our second anniversary we are being asked more and more frequently “When are you going to have a baby?”

You asked for it people. Warning: smart assery dead ahead!

– Well, as I understand it, the first step is having lots of unprotected sex. Then, his semen fertilizes my egg. Then, 9 months later a baby shoves it way out of my body in a pretty painful way. So, you see, it’s a multi-step process. These things take time.

– Can one ever “have” a baby? Or does the baby “have” you? Food for thought.

– Damn! I knew I forgot to pick something up at the store.

– I heard those are really expensive – will you be mailing me a check to cover those costs or do you have a literal boat filled with cash you are gifting me? I’m good with either.

– Do I not get issued one when I renew my passport? Is that not how it works? I’m sort of unclear on the specifics.

– We are just planning on adopting a successful 25 year old and calling it a job well done.

Today is Captain Thoughtful’s Birthday!

My husband, Captain Thoughtful, turns 30 today. I’m going to break it down for y’all honest-like:

I love this man more and more every day, more and more than words can say.

Captain Thoughtful and I met at a Patrick Sweany concert and when Patrick played this song, I wondered at the time whether it would be “our song” if we ever dated because I was already crushing mad hard on the Captain. We did date, and then we got engaged, and a year and a half ago, we got married. This is our song.

Happy Birthday darling! I can’t wait to fill every day of the next 70 years with more and more love!

In Case You Had Any Doubts…

Have we ever talked about why Captain Thoughtful is called Captain Thoughtful? It’s because his superpower is thoughtfulness.


I had one of the worst nightmares of my life the other night. I was thrashing and shaking in my sleep but wasn’t able to wake myself up. Captain Thoughtful woke up, figured I was having a nightmare, and shook me awake. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. It was a truly horrid dream.

First thing the next day, he went out and bought me a dreamcatcher.

I mean, c’mon y’all. He is the most thoughtful person to have ever thoughtfulled.

And now I’m love mush again…..


And Then I Turned Into A Pile of Love Mush

Y’all, do NOT recharge your old phones, because when you do, you will find all the texts messages your now husband sent you when you first started dating and you will relive your entire relationship and you will turn into a pile of love mush.

I know this because it happened to me last night. Basically, my old blackberry is like a love time-machine and it took me back to the days of 2011 when I met Captain Thoughtful and he sent me a text referencing Sydney Carton and I knew I was a goner if he was using literature to woo me. And then I turned into a pile of love mush. He literary wooed me y’all. He is my perfect match in every way and has never once judged me when I yell a spell from Harry Potter at the television screen.

See? I’m all a-mush.

I Don’t Want To Indirectly Enable Serial Killers

Captain Thoughtful and I always see one of our neighbors grilling on his driveway and he always waves hello to us and in general seems like a totally nice fellow. And then I ruined it.

Captain Thoughtful: There is our buddy out grilling again. He’s so friendly!

Me: He is. 

Long Pause

Me: But, what if he isn’t? 

Captain Thoughtful: Um?

Me: We don’t really know anything about him except that he always waves and grills out almost every night. 

Captain Thoughtful: Yes….

Me: What if he’s like, grilling *people* meat or something? He could be a cannibalistic serial killer and we’re just passing by thinking what a nice guy he probably is. 

Captain Thoughtful: I suppose. 

Me: And like, we are *enabling* him by waving. If he is killing and grilling people then we are partly to blame because we totally encourage him with our friendly waves.

Captain Thoughtful: I don’t think that would hold up in court darlin. 

Me: I’m just saying. 


I’m Not The Nerd Here.

Me: Captain Thoughtful! This puppy is perfect for us!!! I want him!

Captain Thoughtful: Oh yeah. I like him!

Me: I’m going to name him Legolas!

Captain Thoughtful: Nice. That’s perfect, I’ll call him “Lego”.  (This guy I married loves Legos)

Me: Lego? You’re such a nerd.

Captain Thoughtful: Yes. That’s right. I’m the nerd.

Do NOT call me "Lego"
Do NOT call me “Lego”


Sad ending to the story, Legolas was already adopted by the time we inquired and his new owners called him Waldo. A sad story indeed.

I Married The Right Person.

While shopping for furniture…

Me: These solid brass doorstops have mice on them! 

Captain Thoughtful: Obviously we’re getting them. 

Me: And these lamps have giraffes!

Captain Thoughtful: Put them in the cart right now. Right. Now. They’re going home with us. 

Me: This crib is only $50. 

Captain Thoughtful: $50? Why? Was it made by babies? 

Me: I married the right person.