Dobby Is A Good And Free Elf!

While introducing my cousins to the Harry Potter movies…

Bomb-dignity cousin: Is Dobby evil?

Me: WHAT? No. Dobby is good.

Spiderwoman cousin: But does he become evil?

Me: Dobby is a good and free elf! He is never evil – only good and free!

(Realizes we are only at the very beginning of The Chamber of Secrets)

Me: Oh. Uh. Spoiler alert: Dobby gets freed.

Also, for the record, my cousins chose their own pseudonyms for the blog. Shout out to Bomb-diggity and Spiderwoman!

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

This is my 752nd blog post ever on this blog and Captain America opens in theaters today. Everything is coming up GotC y’all.

Ways we should all celebrate:

1. Go see Captain America and then talk about it endlessly in the comments section of this post.

2. Wine popsicles.

3. Dance.

4. Jazz hands.

5. Chili cheese burritos.

6. Do a dance that involves jazz hands after eating chili cheese burritos for dinner and having wine popsicles for dessert before going to see Captain America and then talking about it endlessly in the comments section of this post.

I think y’all can guess which way I am celebrating…….


I’m Pretty Sure I Made This Happen.

Sunday night, I got it in my head that nothing would make me so happy as watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. But, alas, I could not find my DVD anywhere.

Then, I turned on the TV and it was just starting on ABC! The very movie I wanted to watch more than anything!

I’m pretty sure I made that happen. WITH MAGIC.

I Saw Fast & Furious 6 Because I’m A Good Wife.

Last Friday, I accompanied Captain Thoughtful and our very good friend, affectionately known as The Yeti, to see Fast & Furious 6. BECAUSE I’M A GOOD WIFE Y’ALL.

Screen Shot 2013-05-25 at 12.09.39 AM

Here are my thoughts.

1. Opening montage is classic. Pure cheesy gold. Or golden cheese.

2. But…whaaaaa…..????

3. You can’t take a fully intact bullet out of your own shoulder without at least a mirror. And also, probably not in that case either.

4. But. But….PHYSICS. You can’t change laws of physics. You can’t. NO.

5. Tanks aren’t that fast.

6. (Throws hands in air, shrugs shoulders, and waits patiently for next dance movie Captain Thoughtful now must accompany me to)

7. Also? Jason Statham is EVERYWHERE.

Humor pause for public service announcement. 

On the real though y’all, if you have ever been in a very bad car accident, this is probably not the movie to see. Some of you may remember that in 2011, I was in a very serious car accident. My car rolled and I was trapped. Watching this movie brought back some not very nice flashbacks. Also, and I’m sure you all know this, but if you’re in a car accident and your car hits walls and rolls, that is not something that you walk away from easily and of your own volition. Trust me. If you’ve been in a bad accident, maybe pass on this movie, even the hilariously cheesy yet somehow still completely awesome dialogue doesn’t make the accident scenes easier to watch.

We now return to our regularly scheduled humor.








Definitive Proof Steven Spielberg Hates Me

Need I say more? Yes? Ok fine. They (meaning the powers that hate me) are re-releasing Jurassic Park in 3D. Because it wasn’t enough to make me have 2D waking nightmares, no, they want me to have 3D waking nightmares where a TRex and a Raptor jump out and try to eat me from a movie screen. Because Steven Spielberg hates me. There is literally no other explanation, I mean, he can’t be doing this for the money. No, it’s not about the money. It’s about inflicting as much terror on me as possible through dinosaurs. Sure, some might argue that this is easily avoidable by not seeing the movie, but they would be WRONG. Wrong because I’ve already been terrified by a 3D preview that came on when I was seeing another not-at-all-dinosaur-related movie. At first, I didn’t believe what was happening and then A TREX JUMPED OUT OF THE SCREEN AT ME AND THEN BLACKNESS because I either passed out or my brain is trying to protect me by blocking the memory, except no stupid brain you blocked out the wrong part.
I mean, obviously I’m not going to see it. But just the fact that it’s happening proves a point. Mr. Spielberg hates my guts.

I Don’t Want Legolas To See Me Pee.

This is the face Legolas makes when you accidentally fart in front of him. So judgmental.
There is a sandwich place I love to eat at. They make really yummy fresh sandwiches and have not once forgotten my emphatic “no mayo” request. But I can’t ever, ever use the restroom there. Why? Because they have a full life size cut out of Legolas pointed right at the toilet. And in theory I think that’s very funny, but in reality I really really don’t want Legolas to see me pee. Sure, I know it’s a cut out and not actually Legolas but it’s very upsetting to drop your trousers in front of an elf and do your business, even if that elf is just cardboard. And he’s looking right at you the whole time with his ever watchful piercing eyes and those eyes are saying “That’s gross, you totally just farted.” and I just can’t take that kind of judgement from Legolas y’all.
I mean, Legolas is totally used to women who are also elves and they are just so elegant and dreamy and I’m sure they never ever accidentally fart in front of him. And I can’t live up to that standard because I’m a woman who is not also an elf. I’m just a human woman who after a large iced tea has to pee really really badly. And I don’t understand why Legolas has to be so judgmental about that.