Help Me Be A Lifehacker, You’re My Only Hope.

Occasionally I will get emails asking for my help. I’m not always sure that real people are sending these. I have a strong suspicion that it’s aliens just trying to distract me from my constant alien invasion vigilance, and if that is the case then very well played aliens because I am totally distracted.

Last week, I got this email.

“Girl, should I unfollow my ex on Twitter?”

I’m not entirely sure that I’m qualified to answer this, or even why someone would turn to me for any advice that doesn’t involve alien invasion preparation or imaginary conversation starters, but I’m never short of opinions on anything so I’ll oblige this alien person with an answer. Because I’m nice like that. And helpful. And generous. And I have a sparkling personality.

Yes. Yes, you should unfollow your ex on Twitter. Always. If Katy Perry and Russell Brand can’t continue following each other on Twitter after their divorce, what hope do the rest of us have? Unfollow immediately.

You’re welcome probable alien, I just solved your problem in like 10 seconds. Now I can get back to preparing Earth’s defense in the case of alien invasion.

I Got All Mature Up In Here!

Last night something very unexpected happened to me. I had a moment of maturity.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

I know, I know. I can hardly believe it myself, but it’s true. I got all mature up in here. The craziest part is that this dizzying spell of maturity was brought on by Twitter.  Someone tweeted something that I thought was grossly unfair and personally insulting to me but before I hit them back good with my standard “Your Mother” I had a mature thought that went a little something like this….

“Be A Lifehacker, this person is a stranger to you. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. What they said was ridiculous and rude but in the grand scheme of your totally awesome life, does it matter? Will it change your world in any way? Is there any type of benefit to responding to this comment? How about you just pour yourself a nice glass of wine and write a blog about how mature you are- doesn’t that sound nice?”

So here I am, drinking a glass of wine and blogging about how mature I am. Wait. Is blogging about your maturity actually an immature thing to do? Balls. I think I just created a wormhole.

WWII Made Me Panic.


We Can Do It!

There is a completely awesome Twitter account that I follow called @RealTimeWWII, which live tweets WWII as it happened day by day from 1940-1945. I am a giant history nerd and am absolutely infatuated with this twitter account. If y’all are on the Twitter, I suggest you follow it. You needed to know about @RealTimeWWII because it’s awesome but also because it’s relevant to the story I need to tell you.

This is a cautionary tale. You would be wise to learn from it.

The other day, I was skimming quickly through my Twitter feed and noticed this tweet: : “USA protesting British warships detaining its cruise liners at Gibraltar; UK insists it’s necessary to enforce blockade on Germany“. These are my paraphrased thoughts after reading it.

Oh no. Oh no. This is really bad. When did the UK put a blockade on Germany? How did I miss this? What could have led up to this? I don’t recall reading anything in the news about it and I read BBC news, surely they would have included something about a UK blockade on Germany in the news. I just don’t understand how I missed something so major. This is really, really bad.  It’s like WWII all over again. Oh……oh wait. What Twitter account am I looking at? Oh. Oh I see. It *is* WWII. Whew. That’s a relief. Ok heart, you can stop racing now. Crises averted. Or, you know, crises passed because it was all well over before I was even born. Sheesh. I really need to pay better attention to what I’m reading on this thing. 

Y’all. I literally started having a panic attack based on something that happened in 1939 because I thought it was happening now. It really makes you think about how we’re all just driving like bats out of hell through life and maybe it would be better if we just slowed down every once in a while and paid better attention to what we’re reading on Twitter.

The Unfriend/Unfollow Dilema


Sometimes, I really hate social media. Sometimes, I really love it. Today though, I mostly hate it and the predicaments it puts us into. I long for a simpler time when it was easy to stop being someone’s friend. You just ignored their calls and texts. Done. It was swell. But now, on top of ignoring their calls and texts, you have to unfollow or defriend them. And for some reason *that* makes you seem/feel a lot worse. There is something so aggressive and hostile about unfollowing or defriending someone. Why is that? Why does it seem worse to unfollow someone than it does to ignore them/talk mad shiz behind their back??

Because social media has completely warped our way of thinking. Say you have a “friend” on Facebook you haven’t spoken to in 10 years. Not a wall message, not a poke, no communication whatsoever. So, you decide to un-friend them. Now, all of a sudden you’re a jerk. You’ve instantly become an evil troll who doesn’t deserve to have friends to unfriend in the first place. In short, people get pissed. There is something so inherently hostile about unfriending or unfollowing someone that people tend to react extremely. That is, if they even notice. There is always a chance they won’t notice. Nevertheless they always notice. There is even a Twitter app that will tell you who has unfollowed you that week. Way to be a narc Twitter. That’s not cool. And once they know, you become a social media pariah. But what’s the point of social media if you don’t even like the people you follow or are friends with on Facebook. Why engage at all if it’s just going add unnecessary drama to your life? If social media is about connecting with people you like or might like, then why is it so unacceptable to unfollow or defriend people you don’t or won’t like?  Why do I feel worse about unfollowing someone then I do for not talking to them anymore? What’s the big deal? Does social media rule our lives? What’s it all about????

Do you unfriend or unfollow?

So many questions……my brain hurts.

I Googled That.

You know, I really pride myself on using correct grammar. Sure, I make mistakes and I’m sure you could find about 1,000 in this blog (as a side note, please don’t do that, it makes you a douche-bag). So, when I don’t know the correct usage or pluralization of a word, I look it up. I’m telling you this because you need to know that about me for two reasons.

1. It’s important that we get to know each other better.

2. It will give some perspective to this post.

So, I’m on Twitter the other day and I see this:

Seth Myers Twitter

I thought it was pretty clever, which is to be expected, and I wanted to respond with an equally clever reply. Because, and I’m not totally sure about this, but I think I want Seth Myers to love me. Or at the very least think I’m hysterical, which to me, is basically the same thing. I wanted my reply to say “Hey! I’m a cute girl with a killer sense of humor. We should grab dinner sometime and I will charm your pants off (literally) with my humor.” Or, you know, something like that.

But, before I could officially reply, I had to Google this: “What is the plural of penis?”

True story.

You see, I have always referred to multiple penises as “peni”, and though I have some vague memory of creating that word because I thought it was funny, I’ve used it as if I learnt it in sex education on the day when they talked about how to refer to genitalia in the plural.  And can I just say, I think we should have probably spent more time on that lesson and less time on herpes. No offense to herpes but there are only so many mouth and junk sores I can look at in a day. As a side note, “junk” refers to genitalia and I actually did learn that word in school but not in an official class. Anyway, I Googled the plural of penis and it turns out it was penises and not peni. Personally, I think peni sounds funnier but, who am I to judge the English language? Now whenever I start to type any word that starts with “P” Google suggests some pretty racy stuff. It’s getting a little bit inappropriate Google, I wanted to find “pizza places” not “porn palaces”. Get it together.

Anyway, my reply tweet to Seth Myers was this:

Be A Lifehacker Twitter

It was a disaster. I was clearly too aggressive with the capital letters. Instead of being cute and sarcastic my tweet came off all yelly and stuck-up. Alas, no dinner invitation was extended and really, I can’t blame the poor guy. My tweet effectively punched him in the junk and then laughed at him when he cried in pain. Although, I have to say, I laughed hysterically at my own tweet for like, 2 minutes. At least I think I’m hilarious. This could probably be a Flirtation Failure post, no?


Wordle To Your Mother.

Get it? It was a play on the saying “word to your Mother”. I learned that phrase from Vanilla Ice although I’m pretty sure he didn’t come up with it.

I digress. This post is about Wordle. Because I love it. And it reveals stuff to you, like a fortune teller, except it isn’t anything like a fortune teller. I use it for work quite a bit and for inspiration in writing all the time. I love Wordle. You should too. Because I said so. Also, because it’s brilliant.

I took all my most popular posts and copied and pasted them into the magic Wordle machine and this is what it revealed to me:

WordleAccording to Wordle, I talk about my Grammy a lot. And Wordle is correct, because there is a Grammy post coming this week as it so happens.

According to Wordle, I say “like” a lot. Touche, Wordle. Right again.

According to Wordle, I ask the question “really?” a lot. Really?

According to Wordle, I talk quite a bit about people. I do indeed and I’m glad to see that Wordle recognizes my selfless need to help people and protect them from awkward moments, flirtation failures, and men in women’s restrooms. Clearly, I am practically a living saint who uses the power of the interweb to spread her message of hope and sage advice. I never realized how good of a person I was until Wordle told me. I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s trying to say. Thanks Wordle.

According to Wordle I am only moderately concerned with all things “awkward”. You may have gotten this one wrong Wordle because I am almost entirely consumed with awkward things. My life is like a walking tour of awkward-ville. True story.

According to Wordle, I talk about Mondays quite a bit. I hate Mondays. Unless they are holidays, in which case, they are fine. I think Wordle is trying to tell me to give Mondays a chance, and also, stop talking about them because people are getting real sick of hearing about it. I appreciate Wordle’s honesty.

I’m surprised not to see the word “douche bag” in this. But then again, I didn’t use all my posts to create this, just my most popular ones. I can deduce from this that people don’t want to hear about douche-bags. Too bad guys, because I find douche bags too amusing not to write about them.

I love Wordle, I think it’s brilliant, and amusing, and completely diverting. There are lots of fonts and layouts and colors to choose from and I could literally spend all day on Wordle. Word clouds are fun. Seriously. I have found Wordle to be an absolute gem when it comes to helping me get inspired by my writing. When I’ve written quite a bit, I just copy and paste it into Wordle and see what words I’m using most. It really helps target my writing and has yet to fail in giving me a little boost in writing energy. You can also enter in any website or blog that has an RSS feed and it will create a lovely little picture of your words (although I think it only does the first page of your blog because when I did this “zombies” and “candy” were by far my largest words- which is awesome but not entirely accurate if you take the whole blog into account so I really think it just does the first page.) I encourage you, nay, I demand that you all Wordle right now!!! I really think you will like it, especially if you’re a writer or blogger or both. Or just a person who likes pretty colors.

Today’s Lesson: You should Wordle. Your Mother should Wordle. End of story.