I Have A Huge Bruise On My Leg Because AMERICA.

I met up with a bunch of friends on Sunday to watch the US match against Portugal. I was feeling excited because we beat Ghana (and we never had before) but also nervous because Portugal…(Ronaldo). So, when we scored our second goal for the lead, I couldn’t help but leap up from my seat – what I failed to take into account in my celebration was the table that was directly in my way. I am now sporting a very large and unsightly bruise on my leg because AMERICA.

If that isn’t patriotism then I don’t know what is.

Of course, Portugal tied it up in the final seconds. I think my bruise hurts a little more because of that, but my spirit remains unbroken.



Do Football Players Sign A Nut Busting Consent Form?

I have recently been made aware that when football players are all in a massive pile on the ground fighting for the football they are GRABBING AND PULLING AT EACH OTHER’S JUNK. Apparently, they think this will make the player holding the ball drop it.

First of all, hahaha so many jokes about ball and balls.

Second of all, NOT OK FELLAS. Did your parents not teach you about “bad touching”? I feel like it should be obvious that human beings should not grab and pull at other human beings genitalia in an effort to hurt them, but apparently it isn’t. So, consider this an official statement from a human being – hey guys, don’t do that. Just…..don’t. Poke an eye or punch a kidney or something, but don’t sexually assault one another, just plain old assault one another.

When I made it clear I felt this way, I was told “it’s just part of the game” and since I’m not a football player (totally true) I “can’t say anything”. BUT I am unwilling to believe that all football players are cool with this, I mean, they keep their baby seeds in those balls, so this is not a matter to be taken lightly. I propose some sort of consent form. Something along the lines of “I football player am totally cool with the fact that my junk might get pulled, twisted, and smashed during the course of this game. I fully acknowledge that this may require me to get a testicular implant if a nut is busted. I’m cool with it.” That way, at least all these guys are giving their consent.

I would just feel better about it if there was some sort of consent given. Probably.

Actually, I’ve never read a football player’s contract so there very well might be a junk smashing or nut busting clause in there. If so, then just ignore the girl who wrote a post about this on her blog. She doesn’t play football so she doesn’t get it.

Go Spurs Go!

Y’all I have a dilema. You see, I was wearing a particular shirt on Sunday when the Spurs beat the Heat, so I wore it again (recognizing the power of inanimate objects as I do) on Tuesday, but the Spurs lost. What the hell am I supposed to wear today???

This is Tim Duncan’s reaction to my lucky shirt not working.


And now a message from Patty Mills.