Wisdom, Courtesy of Me.

I’m just going to go ahead and say “You’re Welcome.” Because you guys will be thanking your lucky stars you read this blog. Oh wait, I guess in that case your lucky stars should say “you’re welcome.” But that totally sucks because I’m the one really helping you. Stars are so pretentious. Anyway, here is some wisdom.

Dreary day, bright lipstick. Or, if you are of the male persuasion- dreary day, bright shirt. Although that works for both sexes. I don’t really have one that applies only to males. Sorry males. Although, I’m sure you would look lovely in a bright shade of lipstick.

The Sun is nature’s prozac. Just be sure to put sunscreen on because skin cancer is nature’s punch in the face (or where ever you have skin cancer- really, you just don’t want to get punched anywhere).

Don’t repeat name date. Which means don’t date multiple people with the same name. This is just common sense.

Don’t step on a crack or it will break your Mama’s back. Let’s show a little love for our Mothers. One time, when my Mom was having surgery, I avoided stepping on cracks the entire day. It took me an obscene amount of time to get anywhere but the surgery went well and I think I deserve at least half of the credit for it.

Denial has been good to me. Honestly, it has. Although a part of me definitely recognizes that it isn’t healthy but then I just pretend that part of me doesn’t exist.

If you are reading a book, nothing can hurt you. Unless you are walking across a busy street at the same time because then that speeding car will definitely hurt you. Or if you are stuck in the wilderness surrounded by hungry bears- although, you know what? I bet they would really appreciate a nice story. So you probably won’t be hurt until you finish- then they are going to tear you apart.  Sorry, I should have been more specific about this one.

This isn’t all the wisdom I have but I don’t want to overwhelm you in one go. Let this wisdom sink in a bit. Think of yourself as a steak (which I bet is what those bears will think of you as) and this wisdom as marinade (which will make you taste better to the bears).

Also- This is good advice. And I love this movie. Um…Christian Bale in a muscial? Sold.

Any wisdom you would like to share? Seize the day. Like Christian Bale. Or like how those bears are going to seize you.

Do These Things or My Advice Column Post

Whenever you hear the song “if you’re happy and you know it…” you should always clap your hands. If you weren’t happy then clapping will make you happy. Or get out a little aggression depending on how hard you clap. Either way- it’s a win.

If you are anywhere near funnel cakes, stop and buy one. They are delicious and will make you feel like a child again.

Shave your head. Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter. Liberate yourself from your hair. I mean, I totally won’t do this because I have a lumpy head so I can’t. You understand. But you should totally shave your head. In fact, you should feel sorry for me that I can’t shave my head because you get a bigger share of liberation than I do.

Write a blog. It makes you feel really good. Except when for no reason whatsoever nobody visits your site and then you feel really bad about yourself and your writing. But then the next day lots of people visit and your faith in yourself is restored. Really, it’s like a roller-coaster.

Pretend things. Don’t lie to people because I heard that if you are a liar, liar, then your pants catch on fire. So you definitely don’t want to lie. But sometimes, when you are alone pretend something. I like to pretend that my blog is so clever and funny that one day BBC radio 1 contacts me and begs me to move to London so I can have a weekly radio show and then I do and everybody loves my radio show and happiness ensues. This pretend is just a warm-up to the really big pretending but I can’t tell you about those pretends because I don’t want you to steal my imagination.

Dance a lot. Like a whole lot. To whatever kind of music you want. Even if you’re just sort of jumping around it will make you feel really good. Also, it’s great exercise. My advice is really good for your health.

Use post-its. They are one of the best inventions ever created. They come in lots of colors and keep you organized. I love post-its. If I’m having a really bad day I will write myself a note on a post-it and it’s like getting a kiss from a neon colored angel. Just like that.

Laugh at people you don’t like. Probably not to their faces because then you might start an “altercation” but when they aren’t around totally laugh at them. Instead of dwelling on how angry/frustrated/annoyed/fill-in-the-blank-emotion they made you, just laugh at them. It’s like in Harry Potter when boggarts turn into something you are afraid of and then the way you defeat them is to turn them into something funny and laugh at them. Laughter is how you defeat your enemies too. Pretty much all life lessons come from Harry Potter.

There will be much much more advice. Feel free to ask me any lingering questions about life you may have- I am super good at answering them. I can only make your life better. I will make your life better. Repeat after me, “Be A Lifehacker makes my life better.”

So to end- ” If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!” (You better be clapping).

How To Tell Your Friend Her Boyfriend Is A Douche

It seems like I have so many friends right now who have other friends who have boyfriends that are complete douche canoes. Some of these guys keep promising marriage proposals and then putting them off until the next year, or until they graduate from underwater basket weaving school, or until their brothers/sisters get married first, or until Jesus comes back (because Heaven is really the best place to have a wedding). Other guys berate and turn otherwise strong intelligent women into weeping masses of “He didn’t mean it.” and “I know he loves me despite that fact he just called me a stupid cow.” Others are just controlling, manipulative, charming, smooth talkers who can finesse their way out of any lie and make their girlfriends apologize for catching them lying. What has happened to these women? These beautiful, wise, witty, brave, compassionate, brilliant women who we became friends with years ago because they were so unarguably fabulous? Where are our friends of yesteryear? I don’t know. I truly don’t. But I can’t tell you how much I wish I did.

I know we as the friends are getting more and more tired of the drama and tears. We all want to be good friends but their tumultuous relationships are emotionally draining to us as well. We are exhausted from giving really quality advice and then having it ignored and then the same problem happening over and over again. We are heartbroken and frustrated to see these formerly amazing women reduced to being someone’s pathetic girlfriend. And they are pathetic- and that kills me to say. Why aren’t they listening? What can they possibly be gaining from this toxic relationship?

I also know that we must absolutely stick by them through this. Even if we are throughly sick of it. If we are their friends, their best friends, we have to be there for them no matter what as long as they let us. No matter how much we loathe their boyfriends very existence and want to take a time machine back to the day of his conception and make sure his Mother remembers to take her birth control- we have to support her. Even though I’m sure we would feel a lot better if we could just take a sledgehammer to his crotch, we have to refrain (and if you do end up doing that please don’t say you got the idea from me). We don’t have to keep our mouths shut though. We just have to be delicate about the way we approach the subject of her boyfriend being a douche. Although, we probably shouldn’t call him a douche in front of her. We can, however, mention the changes we have seen in her and the way we worry because she doesn’t seem as happy as she did before. These are valid feelings. She needs to know we have them. We shouldn’t feel like we have a gag order on us just because she is dating an awful person. We also shouldn’t let our friend treat us poorly just because she gets treated poorly. If she isn’t there for you when you need her, or she forgets plans you made, or she hasn’t called you in ages because she is so wrapped up  in the soap opera that is her love life, then she isn’t being a good friend to you. You have to call her out on it. Nicely. In a calm way that doesn’t immediately put her on the defense. And she might hate you. And she might not want to be friends anymore, and she might turn the entire thing around on you and make it all your fault. She might do those things and that sucks. Actually, she probably will do all those things and again, that sucks.

I also think it’s important to (delicately) let her know how you feel because she is an adult and no matter how much we want to blame him for who she has become, it wouldn’t be fair because she has always had a choice. She chose to let him treat her that way, and she chose to wait around for him to change and while they may be poor choices, we can’t ignore the fact that they were choices nonetheless. It’s his fault he is a douche but it’s her fault for letting a douche in her life. It’s not an accusation or condemnation (seriously, we have all made bad choices before) it’s just an acknowledgment. She needs to acknowledge her boyfriends (or hopefully ex-boyfriends) douchebaggery and she needs to acknowledge that she tolerated that douchebaggery.

And maybe this is all terrible advice but I just couldn’t/can’t not say something when I see this happening to a friend. Realize, please, that if you take this advice there is a chance that she may hate you for a while or forever. Don’t say anything if you don’t want to take that chance- but it’s going to be hard not to say anything. This is a very precarious place to be in a friendship and what happens next will show you how close you truly are. I just have to say something, I tell my friends who are asking my advice on this to say something, but I don’t know if that’s the perfect answer for you and your friend. You know, you know what’s right for you and your friendship. I just wrote about this today because it seems to be a very prevalent topic of conversation amongst my friends and I these days. The moral of this post is if your friend is in a relationship with a douche then tell her that, nicely and also maybe don’t say douche (even though he is one).