Aliens Are Among Us

I’m sorry yall, I just can’t believe that this isn’t an alien.


It’s definitely an alien. I can only assume the scientists who try to convince us that these are crabs are being controlled by the aliens. Presumably via some sort of mind control. Or maybe the aliens have promised them they will be treated well after the inevitable uprising. I don’t know all the details, all I know is this is definitely some sort of alien.

Or its just a crab and I’m being fanciful. It’s like, 50/50. 

Up Yours, One-Uppers!

You know them. You loathe them. We all do.

They are the One-Uppers. They are those that always have a better story, a worse sickness, a better car, a better haircut, a harder work assignment, a sexier lover, a whatever it takes to one-up whatever it is you have. They suck. Not because you suspect they are liars and not because they are constantly trying to outdo you but because they are annoying as hell. And why are they annoying? Because they are most likely liars and they are always trying to outdo you. It’s a vicious cycle. But you can’t avoid them because THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Which has led me to believe that they are aliens that are slowly but surely invading our planet and posing as humans in order to vanquish the human species through sheer annoyance. ALIENS.

Well I got you figured out you stupid aliens. And I’m not going down without a fight. I declare WAR on you One-Uppers (I assume the name of your home planet is Oneupperus). That’s right. WAR. But it’s going down non-violently. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of unleashing a large can of whoop-ass on you (because I assume, given your record, that you have a keg of whoop-ass which would be much larger than my can). I plan on doing this the Contrary way. By making you laugh so hard you pee yourselves and then are shamed (you know, because you peed yourself) into leaving this planet. Also- when you bait me with your one-uppityness I will not get annoyed, I will merely give you a look of pity because, hey alien, I see your game for what it is. I’m no fool. And don’t think I’m not going to “out” you to the world. Every single time you try to play the one-up card, I am going to respond by saying “Are you an alien?” BOOM. I just rocked your world. Now you are going to have to flee back to Oneupperus because I got everyone thinking about how you probably are an alien. BOOM BOOM. Look at me dropping truth bombs on you. In. Your. Faces. (Plural because I’m pretty sure you have more than one face…….WAIT……..are you in cahoots with the two-faces? Awww man- this war just got all kinds of inter-galactic)

In conclusion, you have been found out. And because my war on you isn’t violent, but I will still be saving my beloved planet Earth, I’m pretty sure I’m going to get like 100 Nobel Peace Prizes. Also, I’m going to write a book about our war and then I will win a Nobel Prize for Literature. One-up that suckas!!!!

The BBC Is Trying To Kill Me

BBC News

This was the headline that greeted me Friday morning. My heart literally stopped. It just froze in my chest. I had to stick my finger in an electrical socket to re-start it. Aliens??? My worst fears realized. And they cost the EU billions??? Gasp. Shudder. Scream. How could this be happening? Why haven’t I heard of it earlier? What if aliens have already taken over the bodies of people in the US ( no jokes here please because I know what you are all thinking….) and I am the only one left with control over their own mind? Is that why I haven’t heard about this before? A US alien conspiracy to hide the truth that they have already taken over and are costing us billions? So many questions!

Scared to death though I was, I continued to read on. At least I would finally know the truth. The truth ended up being that the BBC was just trying to kill me. What they meant when they said “alien invasion” was “animals not native to Europe invasion”. The entire article was about non-native animals that damage the eco-systems of Europe and cost the EU billions. And I’m very sorry about that, but what I am most upset about right now is the fact that the BBC is clearly trying to kill me. They obviously read my blog on my fear of dinosaurs and aliens and completely hated it and hated me and decided the best way to proceed would be to kill me so I wouldn’t write any more blogs. Sheesh. All because I wrote a blog post you didn’t like? That seems really petty BBC.  Your murder plan almost worked- my heart did stop for a minute but luckily I had the presence of mind to stick my finger in an electrical socket thereby creating a surrogate defibrillator. Bet you didn’t count on my cleverness and ingenuity in a crisis. I hope you learned your lesson. Headlines might scare me but they won’t kill me. Probably. As long as there is an electrical socket nearby.

I would like to thank you for one thing though. Thanks to you, I now know I would probably survive an actual alien invasion because I can handle myself in a crisis. Sure, I will be scared. Sure, my heart might stop temporarily. But ultimately my cleverness and ingenuity will keep me alive to fight another day. I bet the aliens will underestimate me just like you did BBC, but boy will they be in for a surprise when I triumph over them just like I triumphed over your little murder scheme. I’m thinking that headline will read something like this…


by: Be A Lifehacker (because I’m the only human left)

Reporter for BBC News, New York Times, and Austin American Statesman

And yes, I know the definition of “alien” is foreign or unlike one’s own and that you technically used it properly but I think we all know why you used that particular headline and it wasn’t for language’s sake. It was to murder me. Because you knew I would think you meant actual aliens. And you know something else? I bet I wasn’t the only one who jumped to that conclusion. Cheap journalism BBC. I bet there is still someone living in their basement listening to the wireless for signs of life above. This was very Orson Welles of you.

However, since I have been a very loyal reader and listener for years now I believe I can forgive you and put this incident behind us. It will be difficult but I think our relationship will survive this trial. Just don’t try to kill me again, ok?

I Think My Subconscious is Screwing With Me.

DreamingI have been having some very disturbing and bizarre dreams as of late. Which begs the question, is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Because if it is, then I’m not really receiving the message.

I had several- let me repeat- several dreams about high school a couple of nights ago. Which I find extraordinarily disturbing. I can’t figure what is happening in my subconscious right now. Am I supposed to have learned something from these dreams? Was there a hidden relevance that I’ve missed? It’s not that I didn’t like high school- on the contrary, I had a really decent experience. A lot better than most people I talk to. But why am I dreaming about it? I’m one of those people who doesn’t really think to much on previous phases of their life. I mean, I might think back on lessons I learned from certain experiences or reminisce about funny things that happened, but for the most part once a certain phase of my life is over- it’s over. I don’t want to go back. One of the weirdest parts of these dreams is that my first boyfriend is featuring prominently in them. Why? I have no idea. That was over a decade ago. Why is my subconscious doing this to me? It’s making me uncomfortable.

The worst dream happened Saturday night. I dreamt that space aliens (and you know how I love those) posing as people had tricked hundreds of my friends and I into getting on a school bus and riding into outer space with them. Luckily, I figured out their evil plan (it had something to do with using us as science projects) and tried to get all my friends to get off the bus. None of my friends would budge. One of my best friends wouldn’t even get off the bus when I told her if she went she would miss the Deathly Hallows movies. She wouldn’t come! And she loves Harry Potter! I was fully dismayed. Then, in order not to be caught by the space aliens I fled into this train station like place and hid in the bathroom where one of the girls from Teen Mom handed me a phone to call my family. For some reason I called my Aunt first and she actually wanted me to go with the aliens! I was gutted. Then I called my Mom and she was shockingly nonchalant. It was very traumatic. Then I woke up. What could this mean?

I think maybe I broke my subconscious somehow. I’m not sure what did it but it does seem to be malfunctioning because these dreams are so random and bizarre. Unless it isn’t broken. Maybe it’s just screwing with me. Like, it gets bored and when I’m sleeping is the only time it ever has anything important to do so it’s just really living it up dream-wise and trying to screw with my non-sleeping hours too. What a mischievous subconscious I have. And if it is my subconscious just screwing around with me then it’s working. I’m feeling very confused. Should I join a bus full of space aliens or go back to high school? I just don’t know. Maybe my subconscious will be more clear tonight.

Dinosaurs Scare Me. So Do Aliens.

I'm going to kill you!!! RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR.

Listen, I know it doesn’t make sense. I know that it is ridiculous. I know that dinosaurs are extinct. I’m still scared. I find them to be very frightening and evil creatures- even the nice plant eating ones. I think it all boils down to seeing Jurassic Park at too young an age. That was not smart. To this day I can’t watch that entire movie. I’ve tried. I always have to run away at the part where that little cute looking dinosaur spits poison in that guy’s face and then eats him. I have nightmares about it. Also, raptors are scary intelligent- they hunt you because they like the way people taste, and I don’t care how embarrassing that is, it scares me to death. I don’t even like watching the Discovery channel shows that talk about dinosaurs. Really, this is all Steven Spielbergs fault. Probably. Unless I was just born with this fear but didn’t realize I had it until I saw Jurassic Park. I mean, dinosaurs don’t exist anymore- I have nothing to fear. Right? But what if someone really is trying to use old mosquitos to bring dinosaurs back? And then we all have to fight to survive because they take over the world. That’s pretty terrifying. You should be terrified. Maybe I’m the only one thinking clearly here.

cute alien
You should be afraid of this!

Also, I think aliens are scary. For this I blame the movie Signs. I don’t remember ever fearing aliens before this movie so it must be at fault. And yes, I know everyone tells me that this movie is not that good, and that really I should be more afraid of Mel Gibson, and logically I see that but the aliens in that movie scare me to death. And then I saw War of the Worlds and I know I should be more afraid of Tom Cruise than those aliens but they are scary. They wanted to harvest us and drink our blood and not in the sexy vampire way, it was more in the yum yum blood is good for aliens to eat and they wanted to kill all the babies and old people and does no one else see why this is scary??? Am I alone in this? And, if I am all alone in this, I’m sure that’s what the aliens want because then no one takes me seriously and it’s all the more easy for them to come to earth and DRINK OUR BLOOD. I’m just saying. And yes, they might not even exist but no one knows for sure so I think it’s best if we are all on our guard. This is serious.

The bizarre nature of my fears is not lost on me. You should know that the logical and rarely listened to part of my brain knows these fears are very silly. Unfortunately for the logical side of my brain, the imaginative and far louder side of my brain usually wins these battles. Also, if I really think about it, the lesson in all of this is I probably shouldn’t be allowed to watch movies because they seem to be the common denominator here. But, I’ll probably keep seeing them and adding to my list of irrational and absurd fears. Like maybe I’ll be afraid of pirates soon, except they still exist. Oh my gosh. Pirates still exist, only now instead of swords they use machine guns. Ok- I am officially scared of pirates. I think I should stop thinking now……

Nobody Takes Me Seriously

Pouting Child Nobody Takes Seriously

When I hit my head, and feel really sure that if I go to sleep I won’t wake up because of a massive head bleed.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I tell people that David Muir is the love of my life.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When really bright lightening wakes me up in the night and I feel really sure that aliens have landed.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I know that I saw Rachel McAdams in the bathroom at Nobu in NYC.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I know that I could definitely talk someone out of murdering me.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I tell people that if Zach Braff just met me he would hire me as a writer and I would write hilarious TV shows for him.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I don’t have a doubt in my mind that the mob is somehow involved in everything.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I worry that every inanimate object that surrounds me might really have a brain and feelings.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When it’s important to me that both my shoes be tied at exactly the same level of tightness. No matter how long it takes.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I write blog posts about nobody taking me seriously.

Nobody takes me seriously. And I LIKE it.