You’re Going To Want To Thank Me……

You guys, something extraordinary happened to me a few weeks ago. Something that has vastly improved my life. That something is a television show called “Call of the Wildman”. A few friends of mine shared this show with me and I feel it is my duty, nay, my honor, to share it with you.

A little introduction. “Call of the Wildman” is a show that airs on Animal Planet on Sundays at 10pm Eastern. It’s a show about Ernie Brown Jr. , better known as the “Turtleman”. He is absolutely brilliant. Turtleman captures wild animals in Kentucky and then releases them back into the wild or relocates them to animal sanctuaries. Did I mention he catches most of the animals bare-handed? I’ve only seen him use gloves a couple times and traps once. And when I say “wild animals” I mean wild animals, including skunks, raccoons, bats, snakes, groundhogs, possums, and large snapping turtles. Again, he catches these with his bare hands. Seriously y’all, it’s amazing. He’s so sweet with the animals and even the meanest of them get treated kindly and gently by Turtleman. One of his biggest concerns in every episode it capturing the animals without hurting them. He’s a gem of a man.

You might be wondering what someone in the Turtleman’s line of work gets paid, well, let me tell you, it isn’t much. Although I’m sure he gets paid to have the cameras follow him around, the Turtleman very rarely accepts large amounts of cash from his clients. More often he gets a basket of eggs, homemade cookies/pies, potatoes, or as often as not, nothing at all. He simply takes joy in his job and treats each one of his clients like family. He’s absolutely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever seen. And let me tell you about his best friend/partner/administrative assistant Neil. Neil may sound like a backwoods Kentucky boy but he sure is the voice of reason on this show. He’s always looking out for the Turtleman and is one of the most sincere people ever caught on camera. The two of them together make one of the radest teams the world has ever known.

I am crazy about this show. It’s only been on for one season and I’m already anxious for the next one. And to think, this all started because a local news show did a segment of the Turtleman that landed on youtube and caused a huge sensation. Isn’t social media swell? Take a look at the Turtleman in action….

Awesome, right? It totally is. Turtleman got paid a homemade apple pie for catching that snake with his bare hands. True story.

Seriously y’all, watch this show, it will bring joy to your life.

Interviews With Celebrities: Gerard Butler

Ok. Fine. I’ll imaginary interview Gerard Butler. But only because Marina asked me to and Amy totally seconded it and I’m really no match for peer pressure.

Gerard Butler

GotC: Mr. Butler…

Gerard Butler: You can call me Gerry. 

GotC: I’m going to call you Mr. Butler because I love Gone With The Wind and have a thing for Rhett Butler. If I call you Mr. Butler, I can pretend you’re him. 

Gerard Butler: That seems really convoluted and unnecessary. 

GotC: It probably is, Mr. Butler. It probably is. 

Gerard Butler: Ok. So. Questions? 

GotC: You’re from Scotland, correct? 

Gerard Butler: Yes, I am. 

GotC: Oh my. Oh….oh my. I’m sorry. It’s just….you just became incredibly sexy. 

Gerard Butler: I wasn’t before? 

GotC: I always thought you were kind of douchey, but in all honesty, I have no clue why I thought that. But now….now….oh Mr. Butler!

Gerard Butler: You’re a little mental. 

GotC: More than a little, sir. More than a little. Ok. I apologize. I’m going to collect myself and ask a question. 

Gerard Butler: Brilliant! Have a go. 

GotC: Ok. I’m looking at your IMDB page right now and I see that you played Phantom in the movie adaptation of Phantom of the Opera. Is that true?!

Gerard Butler: Yes it is. 

GotC: Well, well, well. Look who just got sexier. It’s like your sexiness is multiplying by the minute! How are you doing that? 

Gerard Butler: This interview is becoming a bit creepy. 

GotC: Yes, I’ve heard that’s a side effect of being interviewed by me. Did you know that there is no chemical reason we shouldn’t be together? 

Gerard Butler: What? Chemical…..why would there be a *chemical* reason we shouldn’t be together? 

GotC: Exactly. There isn’t. 

Gerard Butler: But why would there have been one in the first place? 

GotC: I like the way you say things. 

Gerard Butler: Do you have any more questions? 

GotC: Oh my zeus!!! Is this *you* in the 300 movie poster? 

Gerard Butler: Yes, it is. 

GotC: Seriously?! Seriously?!!!!! I feel like your abs own me. 

Gerard Butler: Ok. I think I’m going to leave now. 

GotC: I can’t go until your abs in this poster tell me to. I obey them. They have complete power over me. 

Gerard Butler: Yeah. Goodbye psycho. 

GotC: You say that like it’s an insult but with your accent, all I hear is “Kiss me GotC, kiss me now!”

Wowza. Things got a little intense in that interview. Who knew my imagination had such a crush on Gerard Butler? Just in case, you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, I found this video of him giving an interview for 300. Behold the power that is a Scottish accent pared with sexy abs!

Oh, and again, I just want to reiterate that these interviews occur only in my imagination and that these celebrities have never met with, or spoken to me. Their loss. Obviously.

Interviews with Celebrities: Ryan Gosling

Hey girl. Today’s imaginary interview is with Ryan Gosling. You like that don’t you? I know you do. (Note: If you don’t get all the “Hey girl” references then click on the image. Now you get it.)

Ryan Gosling

GotC: Hey Ryan.

Ryan Gosling: Hey…..Be A Lifehacker.

GotC: Why so formal lover? You can call me Girl.

Ryan Gosling: Oh. I get it. You want me to say “Hey Girl.”

GotC: Deep down in your heart- you wanted to say it.

Ryan Gosling: Yeah I did.

GotC: So….why does it feel like the most beautiful woman in the world is in this room?

Ryan Gosling: Are you talking about yourself?

GotC: Oh. No…..it’s just the first pick-up line that showed up in Google when I googled “pick-up lines”.

Ryan Gosling: I think it’s for guys to use on girls.

GotC: I believe you are correct. Ummm…so….you want to make like a fabric softener and snuggle?

Ryan Gosling: Are you trying to pick-me up?

GotC: What?! No. Sheesh. Why would you think that? Wow, you’re really conceited. I don’t know where you would get an idea like that.

Ryan Gosling: I would have to say I got that idea from the pick-up lines you’re using on me.

GotC: Seems like a bit of a logic leap to me but let’s just agree to disagree.

Ryan Gosling: Let’s get on with the interview.

GotC: Uh. I think you forgot to say something.

Ryan Gosling: Fine. Hey girl. Let’s get on with the interview.

GotC: Right you are. What’s your favorite humor blog written by a contrary girl who lives in Austin TX?

Ryan Gosling: I guess with those parameters, I would have to say yours.

GotC: Oh my! Flattery will get you everywhere Mr. Gosling. ;)

Ryan Gosling: I think the saying goes “Flattery will get you nowhere.”

GotC: That is correct but you+me+flattery=everywhere. It’s a simple mathematical equation.

Ryan Gosling: This is becoming increasingly uncomfortable for me.

GotC: You feel it too? Our chemistry is palpable.

Ryan Gosling: Please move on to the next question.

GotC: If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman….

Ryan Gosling: I’m going to stop you right there and say sure, whatever. Next question.

GotC: (Aside to self) There’s hope yet Be A Lifehacker. When the apocalypse happens you will totally be Ryan Gosling’s girlfriend, assuming we both live through it. I like those odds!

Ryan Gosling: I can hear you.

GotC: I know you can boo. I know you can. We are so in sync but not *NSYNC because Justin Timberlake totally should have had your back and asked you to be in that band. Mickey Mouse Clubbers are supposed to stick together.

Ryan Gosling: I would say I’ve faired pretty well without being the member of a boy band.

GotC: You’re so strong. In like, both ways someone can be strong. Can we do the lift from Dirty Dancing now?

Ryan Gosling: Obviously. I’ve had the time of my life.

GotC: Is it ok with you if I get a tattoo of your face with the quote “Nobody puts baby in a corner.” I know you weren’t in that movie but it just seems so right.

Ryan Gosling: Nothing would make me happier.

GotC: You forgot something again.

Ryan Gosling: Sorry. Hey girl. Nothing would make me happier.

FIN

Best imaginary interview yet. Mostly because, well, it’s Ryan Gosling and even thought it’s imaginary (and seriously kids, I want to stress *imaginary* because I really don’t want to get sued) it’s still RYAN GOSLING.

Ideas for next week’s imaginary interview?

Christian Bale Is My Homie

So, I’m at the Cut Copy show at ACL just  minding my own music loving business when I notice a camera crew setting up and a small cluster of people around it. Being a curious cat that has so far escaped being killed, I checked it out. What I saw was a good looking man who resembled Christian Bale. The following is my internal discussion….

Whoa. That guy looks like Christian Bale. Could that be Christian Bale? No way. What would Christian Bale be at ACL for? Although, I did hear that Jake Gyllenhaal always comes to ACL. Why can’t *he* ever be the sweaty guy bumping into me at the Arcade Fire show? Nah. That’s not Christian Bale, he’s too skinny. Christian Bale is probably in Batman shape right now. Also, I think he’s taller. Oh well. 

Then, I sat back down on my blanket and refocused my attention on the Cut Copy concert. (Sidenote: Cut Copy annihilated their set- it was musical heaven y’all) A few minutes later, I realize I have to pee, which is basically the one thing you don’t ever want to do at ACL because port-o-potties are yucky. Luckily for me, the port-o-potties were located right next to the stage so I still got to listen to Cut Copy while I waited in line. (Another side note: While I was using the port-o-potty, Cut Copy really jacked up the bass and there was one moment where I was sure we were having an earthquake and I was going to die in a port-o-potty) So, I finish up my trip to the port-o-potties with a heavy dose of antibacterial hand sanitizer and head back to my blanket. At that point, I noticed I had a missed call from my friend Mary. I called her back. This is our conversation.

Mary: You need to get back here immediately. (She said with a tone of urgency that should only be reserved for life and death situations and Christian Bale sightings)

Me: I’m trying. I’m lost.

Mary: I’m exactly where you left me.

Me: I know. I’m lost all the same.

Mary: Ok, walk towards the bar and then turn right.

Me: Your right or my right?

Mary: Just get back here!

This went on for a couple minutes……

Me: Oh! There you are! What’s the urgency?

Mary: Christian Bale is here!!!! It’s Christian Bale!

Me: Oh that was him! I thought it might be him but he seemed too skinny and short.

Mary: It’s definitely him.

Me: He’s fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee.

Then, I took out my camera and snapped this picture.

Christian Bale at ACL

He’s the one in all black wearing the sunglasses. Not to be redundant but he is fiiiiiiiiiinnnnneeee. I’m feel really confident that when I took that picture our eyes met, even though our eyes couldn’t meet because he was looking the other direction, and we forged a bond that neither time nor steel wool can break.

That’s what really happened. This is what happened in my head.

Me: Christian! It’s me! GotC!

Christian Bale: Oh my zeus! I love your blog! Can we be homies for life?

Me: Obviously! Because if there is one thing I believe it’s that headlines don’t sell papes. Newsies sell papes!

Christian Bale: Would you like to join me in singing a medley of songs from Newsies?

Me: How unexpected and not at all insinuated in my previous comment! I would love to C-Bale!

Jake Gyllenhaal: Whoa! Can I join in too? 

Me: Wherever did you come from Jake?

Jake Gyllenhaal:  Your dreams. And that’s not just a pick-up line because this is actually a dream. 

Me: Let’s all sing together! 

Jake and Christian: Yeah! (They both jump in the air to further demonstrate their jubilation). 

Later, we get dinner together and talk about the screenplay I wrote for Newsies 2: Return of the Papes and about how it’s really awesome that Christian and I are both Welsh even though he’s really Welsh and I’m just an American with Welsh ancestry. And then Jake Gyllenhaal asks if he can be in Newsies 2: Return of the Papes and also if he can be my boyfriend. I tell him he can be in Newsies 2 but I’m not really interested in him as a boyfriend. SIKE! I totally make-out with him and then later on in the fantasy we take a couples trip to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. But even though Jake is my man, Christian Bale is my homie for life- especially after he wins another oscar for Newsies 2: Return of the Papes.

If you’re interested Newsies 2: Return of the Papes is the story of how all the original newsies were vampires (they’re so hot right now) and are courageously fighting to preserve the newspaper. It’s a powerful tale filled with vampires, music, and newspapers. This time they’re not fighting Pulitzer- they’re fighting a modern societal shift in the way news is delivered. (I’m still working on the tagline…..)

Interviews With Celebrities: Alan Alda

So, it ought to be clear by now that I’m a pretty big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that celebrities are clamoring to be interviewed by me in an effort to stay relevant to and win the public’s affection. It’s no surprise they turn to me, in fact, I’ve been suspecting something like this was going to happen for a long time. And it has. Some of the biggest names in celebrities are having their people call my people 10-25 times a day begging me to interview them. I was reluctant at first, I mean, I’m an artist. I’m not just some blogger everyone adores that they can use to make themselves more likable. I’m a blogger everyone adores that has integrity. But, I also have a huge heart and some of these celebrity’s pleas were just so poignant and longing, I couldn’t rebuke them.  So, I acquiesced on one condition: I will interview the celebrities but only in my imagination. I will not speak to them but rather, let my muse inspire me to speak for them. (As a special note, my muse is gummi worms and green tea) So, the celebrities interviewed in this special feature never spoke to me. Not ever. Rather, my imagination is speaking for them, which, I think we can all agree, is better.

Alan Alda

His eyes pierce my soul.

This week, I imaginary interviewed the love of my life, Alan Alda.

GotC: How are you today Mr. Alda?

Alan Alda: Please, call me Alan. 

GotC: Can I call you sugarbear? 

Alan Alda: That makes me uncomfortable. 

GotC: In a good way?

Alan Alda: When is uncomfortable good? 

GotC: Like when you’re being confronted by your family in an intervention. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s for your own good. 

Alan Alda: Being called sugarbear is for my own good?

GotC: I think we both know it is. 

Alan Alda: Let’s just stick with Alan. 

GotC: Face your fears sugarbear!

Alan Alda: Ask a question or I will have security escort you out. 

GotC: Agree to disagree. Ok, who is your favorite Hogwarts professor? 

Alan Alda: Is that a Harry Potter question? 

GotC: The world wants to know!

Alan Alda: I have no clue. I haven’t read those books. 

GotC: I’ll just put you down for Professor McGonagall. Good choice! Follow- up question, what’s your favorite spell?

Alan Alda: Right now….I would say the one that kills people. 

GotC: I know you said that to disuade me from my love for you, but I happen to have a thing for bad boys. (wink)

Alan Alda: Dear God- please give me a heart attack so I don’t have to talk to this crazy person anymore. 

GotC: Dear God- please make Alan Alda love me. See, sugarbear? Two can play the prayer game- if you don’t have a heart attack in the next 2 minutes, it’s proof God wants you to love me. 

Alan Alda: I’m married. 

GotC: I’m patient. 

Alan Alda: You’re disturbed. 

GotC: You love it. 

Alan Alda: Actually….I….do….I think you’re prayer is working!

GotC: Huzzah! Oh happy day!!!! 

Alan Alda: Sike. Please leave my presence immediately. 

GotC: And Ieeeeeeiiiiiii will always love youooooooooooo, will alllllways love youooooooo—oooooooo—-ooooo. (Whitney Houston style). 

You might be wondering why, even in my own imagination, Alan Alda rejects me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t censor my imagination and this is how it wanted to write this interview. On a psychological level, I think this is my subconscious recognizing that Alan Alda is unattainable to me and trying to let me down easy via imaginary conversations as opposed to actual real life ones where I leave the room sobbing instead of singing one of Whitney Houston’s greatest hits. Because, I think we can all agree, that in the above interview, I was clearly the winner.

Now taking suggestions for next weeks imaginary celebrity interview….

I’m Trying To Stay Relevant Y’all.

Disco

Rest in peace, little buddy.

So, I heard a comedian talking about how the only way to get famous and stay famous for being funny was to be relevant. All the time. But since things are always changing (stupid things and their changing ways) it’s hard to stay relevant because relevant is always changing. Comedy is hard.

I really took his advice to heart even though I don’t want to be famous, I only want to sell millions and millions of books, and go on late-night talk shows, and date a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band, and stay at luxurious places, and be recognized by “regulars” while I’m out shopping for more huge sunglasses to hide my face so “regulars” don’t notice me out in public. Oh, and also I would really like to do something good for the world too. So, you see, my aspirations aren’t to be famous, but I still think it’s important that I stay relevant or people won’t think I’m funny anymore and then I’m going to have to grow-up and stop blogging about imaginary conversations.

I need you guys to read some of my new material and tell me if it’s relevant. Be honest. But also be really nice and maybe if you don’t like my jokes tell me I’m pretty or something because that might also get me a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band. And a 1 and a 2 and a……

Mel Gibson. Anyone heard what’s going on with this guy lately? Yeah, I heard he is playing Braveheart aka William Wallace. Yeah, I know. As if that guy could ever pull off the proper Scottish accent. William Wallace was one of Scotland’s greatest heros and you want the guy from Mad Max who can’t decide whether he speaks with an American or Australian accent to play him in a movie? That’s crazy yo! Am I right? I’m totally right.

Politics. High oil prices, terrible economy, political scandal, foreign wars, immigration arguments- what is this the 1970′s?!! (Insert historical appreciation laugh here). I do miss disco though, for real. (Pause in respect of a dead dance craze).

Cell phones. Whaaaaaaat?! A phone that you can take with you anywhere? Who do you think I am, Zack Morris?

Dating Shows. Have you seen this new show called The Bachelor? Yeah, apparently, some guy goes on TV and 25 insane but attractive females try to win flowers from him. Also, they hook up. I give it one season. Who cares about this guys bizarre dating life? Not me, buddy. I’ll always choose to watch Friends- now there is a show that won’t ever end. Am I right? I’m totally right. (At this point I raise my hands and do the woot-woot thing, it’s quite a crowd pleaser).

Low-carb diets. Y’all heard about low-carb diets? Aww man, it’s some bull. People on these low-card diets aren’t supposed to eat bread and shiz. Like, not even pasta or tortillas. And I’m like, what did bread ever do to you? Y’all be hating on bread because it’s delicious. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. (This works here right?)

I mean, what’s more relevant than famous actors who everyone loves, politics of the 1970′s, new technology, television, and fad diets? I couldn’t be more relevant. I’m totally getting myself a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band for a boyfriend this year. That’s what relevance earns you- so study hard kids and always watch Saved by the Bell and you too could earn yourself a bass player from a rock and roll band.

Is It Just Me, Or Am I Awesome?

TwitterSo, maybe I follow some celebrities on Twitter. And maybe I think that makes us friends. And, speaking as a dear friend, or you know, potential soul mate, I think it’s my duty to call them out on any ridiculous behavior. Because that’s what friends do. I’m nothing if not a good friend, and if my friends tell you I’m not actually a good friend, they’re probably liars.

Lately, I’ve noticed some of my celebrity friends have been self-indulgently tweeting (I’m not sure if there is a kind of tweeting that isn’t self-indulgent but that’s beside the point). They tweet things like “Hey! Does anyone want to get dinner with me?” and I’m like “Uh. You’re famous. EVERYONE wants to get dinner with you. You’re just tweeting that so a million people will @ you and tell you how much they want to get dinner with you, but you don’t actually have any intention of having dinner with them. You’re kind of a tool-bag.” I mean, seriously? What could be the purpose of tweeting something like that when you’re famous, other than relishing in the thousands and thousands of tweets you get in reply, none of which, you actually respond to. As your friend, I have to call a code a-hole on this one. Because that’s what friends do. Also, it really hurt my feelings when I replied and said I would LOVE to have dinner with you and you didn’t say anything back. That really stung. Luckily for you celebrity twitter friend, I’m very loyal and forgiving so I’ll give you another chance.

Or sometimes, they tweet things like “I need a hug.” and then thousands of people (mostly girls if the celebrity is male and even mildy attractive) reply saying they would be more than happy to hug the celebrity- but trust me girls, they have NO intention of actually hugging you. I found this out after I spotted a celebrity who had tweeted that very thing like 6 months earlier. When I walked up to him and threw myself into his arms, he acted really surprised and then angry and even went so far as to call the police. I mean, what did he expect??! You can’t tweet you want a hug and then not accept the hugs being offered to you. I’ll tell you one thing, that celebrity lost a friend in me that day and not just because the court ordered me to stay at least 500 feet away from him, he lost my friendship well before he took out that restraining order.

I’m just saying, tweeting things like that is basically like asking “Is it just me, or am I awesome?” and then expecting everyone to reply verifying that you are indeed awesome. I mean, you’re already famous, do you really need that much more affirmation? Then answer is no. No, you don’t need daily affirmation of how awesome you are. You’re already famous and rich and have lots of friends and pseudo-friends who will eat dinner with you and give you hugs when you need them.  You know who does need daily affirmations? People with low self-esteem. How about you use your celebrity for a good cause and tweet “Hey! Who wants to grab dinner with @LowSelfEsteemer?” and then lots of people will say they do and Low SelfEsteemer won’t have to eat dinner alone and nobody will think you’re a tool-bag anymore. The only self-indulgent tweets I want to see are those that are indulging in other people’s self. Are we clear on that celebrity friends?

Celebrities are so lucky to have me as a friend/potential soul mate.

Why I Won’t Be Seeing Harry Potter In 3D.

3d glasses

I don’t even have the words to convey how excited, sad, thrilled, depressed, and anxious I am about the final Harry Potter movie coming out. Basically, if you threw almost every emotion into a blender and then pureed it, the resulting goop of emotion would be close to what I am feeling. I do have one very definite emotion though when it comes to seeing this movie in 3D, and that emotion is “Hell no!”

I’m not a fan of 3D. At all. I’ve given it a chance but every time I try seeing a movie in 3D, I have three thoughts.

1. These glasses are stupid.

2. My head is starting to hurt.

3. I don’t see anything particularly special happening. Is everyone else seeing something I’m not? Are my glasses broken?

Also, my everyday life is in 3D. Isn’t it more special to go see something not in 3D? I much prefer 2D. 2D is special. 2D is something you don’t see everyday. Unless you count watching TV or surfing the internet. OK. 3D and 2D are both equally un-special. But at least with 2D I don’t have to wear special glasses that make my head hurt. Oh yeah, and 3D movies are more expensive. You’re basically paying for a headache.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

As if these reasons weren’t enough, I have an even better reason not to see Harry Potter in 3D. I’ve read all the books (like 50 times) so I know what happens, and I know I’m going to cry. A lot. There will be a LOT of tears from me. In the last movie, I started crying right at the beginning (When Hermione had to erase her parents memory of her), and continued to cry off and on until the final credits. I even had to choke back audible ugly crying when Dobby died. So, I know that I am going to be doing lots of sobbing in this film. And who wants to keep lifting up stupid 3D glasses every 5 minutes to wipe the tears out of their eyes? Not me. I don’t want to be fussing with glasses I don’t even need to be wearing when I’m trying to address my very complicated Harry Potter finale emotions. If I saw Harry Potter in 3D, my glasses would be all fogged up from my pathetic crying and I would probably miss exciting parts of the movie. Basically, seeing Harry Potter in 3D would ruin my final Harry Potter movie experience. And I won’t stand for it! I will not stand for it, I say!

What are your Harry Potter finale plans?? If they involve 3D, please disregard this post but don’t come crying to me when your head hurts and you missed large bits of the movie because you took your glasses off to wipe tears from your eyes. I warned you.

Jake Gyllenhaal Was On Man v. Wild and I Got A Little Silly.

So last night, Jake Gyllenhaal was on Man v. Wild. To say that I was thrilled and a little giddy would probably only cover about 1/10th of what I was feelings. My inner 13 year old was all over this. If you aren’t familiar with Man v. Wild, it’s a show where Bear Grylls (who has the best name ever) drops from a helicopter into the “wild” and shows you how to survive if you ever fall from a helicopter with a film crew into that same “wild”. You may also recognize this show by Mother’s ever popular responses to it such as ”Oh. I’m so sure.” and ”Oooooh no, Bear is in danger.” (Said in a really sarcastic and hilarious English accent).

Jake joined Bear in a helicopter in Iceland and they traveled to some sort of ice mountain and started walking. Where were they going? No one knows, except the film crew waiting at the designated destination. As luck would have it, there was a vicious snowstorm and Jake and Bear had to find their way with almost no visibility. Such trials only bring them closer, however, and according to Bear, Jake “Has a good character” and “Is afraid of heights with no survival experience.” High praise indeed. But the bro-love didn’t stop there. Jake claimed he would “Follow Bear anywhere” even though at the time he was leading and Bear following. It was a love fest. My favorite quote came from Bear, “You never know when you’re going to need you’re buddy.” Which, I personally think, is the wisest thing I’ve ever heard on reality television. I just may get that tattooed over my heart because it’s such a universal truth. This is what the sarcastic and grown-up part of me thought about the episode. The 13 year old side of me felt a little differently…

Oh my gosh! Jake Gyllenhaal is such a dreamboat. Why is he taking a knife to that dead sheep?? OH! Why, Jake? Why??? It’s ok, I forgive you Jake. Just be careful. Please be careful. If you get hurt I swear on my Tiger Beat that I will avenge your death! The shirt is off! The shirt is off! (At this point, I may have broke into a chorus of Oh Happy Day).  All the clothes are back on now.How does he look so smokin hot in all that clothing? It’s like, some kind of magic. Hotness magic. I wish he was high-fiving me. And by “high-fiving” I might mean something different. (Lots of giggling). And then after that I pretty much turned everything Jake said into sexual innuendo. Because I’m really clever. And mature.

Long story short, best episode of Man v. Wild ever! Ever!

Again, I’m Not Your Target Audience

A little while ago, I wrote a post about not being the target audience for the Bruno Mars song ‘Grenade’, and ever since I wrote that post, I find myself dissecting every song I hear on the radio. It’s becoming quite the bad habit and it usually involves me singing along enthusiastically until I realize what I’m saying and then laughing hysterically at the words and then writing a blog post in my head. Being in the car with me is kind of like being in the car with a non-violent maniac. Anyway, on my way to work the other day, I heard ‘Tonight’ by Enrique Iglesias and couldn’t resist the temptation to listen closely to the lyrics. I wasn’t disappointed. I’m also definitely not the target audience.

Tonight

 

I know you want me  Um, conceited much? 
I made it obvious that I want you too Oh, I wouldn’t say composing a sexually charged song was “obvious”. 
So put it on me Put *what* on you exactly? Because if you mean put your coat on you as I send you out the door, I think you’re going to be pretty happy with what’s about to happen. 
Let’s remove the space between me and you Is this some type of physics problem? Or is it existential? 
Now rock your body Like, throw my body against the rocks because this song is making me suicidal? Or did you mean dance?
Damn I like the way that you move Oh, ok. You definitely meant dance. 
So give it to me Give what to you? If you want a present for this song, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. 
Cause I already know what you wanna do You think you know me?! You think *you* know *me*?! I don’t think so pal. 

Here’s the situation With Wolf Blitzer? 
Been to every nation Now, you’re just bragging. 
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do Emasculated? Weak? Nauseous? I need a clue. 
You know my motivation I really don’t think I do. Unless it’s what I think it is. It is, isn’t it? You perv. 
Given my reputation Oh yeah, I’ve heard all about you mister man. And I am NOT impressed. 
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude That’s something people say when they do mean to be rude but don’t want to be called on it. 

But tonight I’m loving you Uh, no you’re not. 
Oh you know No, I don’t. 
That tonight I’m loving you Again, the answer is no.
Oh you know Seriously, I don’t. 
That tonight I’m loving you No means no, dude. No means no. 

You’re so damn pretty Ok. Flattery is good way to recover.
If I had a type than baby it’d be you What’s my “type”? Because if you say “funny” while using sarcastic air quotes, I’m going to punch you in the thorax. 
I know your ready Ready for this song to be over? Absolutely. Definitely. Make that happen. 
If I never lied, than baby you’d be the truth Um…I’m not really that good at riddles. 

Here’s the situation Where the hell is Wolf Blitzer? Is he hiding around here somewhere? 
Been to every nation Braggadocio is very un-sexy. You should know that. 
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do Perhaps you need a Tums?
You know my motivation Yeah, at this point I think I do. And I am NOT having it. Not. Having. It.
Given my reputation For being a douche canoe? 
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude You do mean to be rude. You do. You do. You. Do. Rude. You. Rude. 

But tonight I’m loving you You’re really not. Not at all. Not even a little. 
Oh you know I know. But what I know isn’t what you think I know. You know?
That tonight I’m loving you Nope. Not happening. On a scale from 1-10, 1 being least likely and 10 being most likely, I would give your chance of “loving me” tonight a 0. 
Oh you know Yeah, I’m not sure you’re picking up what I’m laying down here- which, just to be clear, is NOT my body.  
That tonight I’m loving you  I tried to reason with you, this is just one of those cases where diplomacy failed. Time for the pepper spray. 

I’m sorry, but does this song seem presumptuous to anyone else? I mean, sheesh Enrique, we just met. Put the brakes on. This song has a catchy little beat but don’t be distracted by it! Enrique Iglesias is trying to sex you up. If you’re cool with that, then go for it. But, as he himself said “given his reputation” I would use protection. Like, a hazmat suit. So, again, I’m probably not the target audience here.