I’ve been practicing yoga for quite some time and I absolutely love it. I feel so much better when I’m practicing regularly- better physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although, I have to admit, I don’t think my mind is quite in the place the yoga masters intended. Below is a typical evening yoga session complete with what is going on in my mind. I may be doing something wrong here….
We start our practice in a comfortable cross-legged position. Focus on deep diaphragmatic breathing.
I am so good at breathing it’s ridiculous. I wonder if anyone else can breathe as well as I can? Probably not.
Slowly bend forward into a seated bend. Inhale the breast bone rises, exhale deeper into the pose.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Wait, woodchucks can’t chuck wood?? What’s the point of that question?
Now rise up to all fours for cat poses. Inhale and round our your back, exhale the breast bone rises and the back straightens.
Yo I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want! So tell me what you want what you really really want! Stop. Focus on the calming yoga music. You’re ruining yoga for yourself. Calm. Relax.
Step your right foot forward, adjust, the kidneys widening, the back straight, the spine tall. We move into chair poses.
I wonder how much weight I could lose by actually following my diet and doing yoga twice a day? I need to look good for swimsuit season. But wait, why should I have to conform to societies expectations of beauty? It’s all Hollywoods fault. Some skinny skanks get a few movie deals and now I have to lose 15 lbs. That’s some bull. I’m healthy, I’m happy. I shouldn’t have to lose any weight. (Picture of a model pops into my head) Ok. Back on the diet tomorrow.
Step your feet about 3 feet apart for standing twists. Remember to focus on your breathing.
I should write a screenplay. I bet I could think of a hilarious concept. Maybe about a very funny girl blogger whose blog gets discovered by a very charming and handsome actor/producer who contacts her to write a screenplay and then she does and everyone loves it and thinks she is both hysterical and beautiful and then she falls in love and everyone ends up really happy and laughing. STOP. No love stories. Only hilarity. Also, no men in this film at all. They will only distract you. Clearly you are easily distracted. Sheesh. Am I supposed to be exhaling or inhaling right now??
Back to all fours and sink back into childs pose. Do this four or five times. On your last exhalation move into downward dog and hold.
Ah man, my hands are all sweaty. I’m going to slip out of downward dog and move straight into girl who fell on her face….
Lay down on your back and bring your knees to your chest. Rock from side to side to release tension in the lower back.
Did I start the dishwasher?
Put your right leg on the ground and fully extend your left leg. Focus on your inhalation and exhalation. Feel the hamstring soften.
In the case of a zombie apocalypse, I wonder how long I would actually survive? I don’t own any guns. I wonder if pepper spray works on zombies? Or on vampires? I know it wouldn’t work on a ghost. But what about the undead?? It didn’t in that Twilight movie but I’m pretty sure those are really romanticized and inaccurate portrayals of vampires. Which is actually very irresponsible if you think about it because now when the vampires try and take over the world, all these girls are going to be like “Love me. Love me!” and the vampires will just be sucking their blood like “Geez. Who knew taking over the world would be so easy? Thanks Stephanie Meyer.”
Put your left leg on the ground and straighten your right leg. Keep the feet flexed to protect the knees. Then, bring both knees to the chest and begin dynamic twists.
Ok. Focus. You are zen. You are a zen master. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a rapper called “Zen Master”? And like all his rhymes were about peace and tranquility instead of hos and poppin caps. Poor guy, wouldn’t make any money. Nobody wants tranquil rap songs.
Lay flat on your back with your hands at your sides, we now move into final relaxation.
I bet you could use the term “final relaxation” for death. Is this guy trying to kill me? What a clever way of luring someone into death. I should be mad but I’m too relaxed. You win yoga master.
I’m pretty sure enlightenment is going to be out of my reach for a really long time.