The Most Important Part Of A Diet Is Your Workout Playlist.

I think we can all agree that the most important part of any diet/exercise regime is the workout playlist. I mean, the wrong song can literally RUIN YOUR DIET. So, as I re-focus on my health by eating better and working out more, my primary concern is my workout playlist. Currently, it looks like this:

Bangarang – Skrillex

Let’s Have A Kiki – Scissor Sisters

Run The World (Girls) – Beyonce

Pretty Girl Rock – Keri Hilson

Funky Cold Medina – Tone Loc

Whip My Hair – Willow Smith

We No Speak Americano – Yolanda Be Cool

Jump – Kris Kros

Roar – Katy Perry

MotownPhilly – Boyz II Men

Work B**ch – Britney Spears

The Breaks – Kurtis Blow

Bom Bom – Sam and the Womp

Hey Ya- OutKast

Now, I’m pretty happy with this playlist….for now, but I’m pretty sure after a couple weeks, it’s going to get old. So, I’m turning to you, my darling lifehackers, for suggestions. What’s your favorite workout songs?

Be A Lifehacker- On A Diet

Day 1 of the Betty Rocker 30 Day Challenge was yesterday and I made it through! Yay! That’s like, half the battle, right?

I prepared for this challenge the way any true champion would, I had a weekend of french fries, nachos, and pizza. Because I’m a winner. Now, it’s all clean eating and planks and lunges and push-ups and also jello. Jello, as in, my arms and legs are apparently now made of it. One day of this and my bones feel liquified. Which means it’s working I think. 29 days to go y’all! We can do this thing!

In other news, I’m going to Ohio until next Tuesday so posts are going to be hiding under an invisibility cloak this week. Prepare yourselves for a full recount of Ohio shenanigans when I return. And for the record (that I assume elves are keeping) I will still be doing the Betty Rocker challenge in Ohio. While I’m on vacation. In Ohio. I should get a medal or something.

 

Be A Lifehacker- On A Diet

Remember how I’m on a diet? Yeah, I forgot too.

BUT- a recent picture of me next to a friend made me remember. Mostly because I looked like the giant fat roll monster who was about to eat her for a snack. So, I recently registered for the Betty Rocker 30-day Challenge.

First of all, her nickname is Betty Rocker. She had me at hello.

Second of all, in one of her other videos, Betty Rocker has the Captain America shield in her kitchen. Obviously, this is a woman I can trust.

 

What do you say? Want to do this with me? It’s free….and also BETTY ROCKER Y’ALL.

Be A Lifehacker- On A Diet.

Y’all. I have gained a LOT of happy weight since my wedding. Yay for the happy, boo for the weight, amiright? So, your girl is going on a diet, and like all things in my life, I’m going to chronicle it for laughs. Because that’s how I do.

A few nights ago, Captain Thoughtful and I went on the first of many long evening walks after dinner. We just moved into a new apartment that we were told had a walking trail around the entire complex. Perfect. Or so we thought. We started the trail right outside our apartment and walked about a quarter of a mile, then the “trail” got real dodgy, but we followed it anyway, then it turned into walking amongst the construction of the new buildings. Then, a security guard told us that we couldn’t walk back there and that if management knew we had, we would be evicted.

Lesson learned: Exercise will cause me to get evicted.

Diet rating: Cardboard crackers.

I May Be Doing Something Wrong.

Yoga

I’ve been practicing yoga for quite some time and I absolutely love it. I feel so much better when I’m practicing regularly- better physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although, I have to admit, I don’t think my mind is quite in the place the yoga masters intended. Below is a typical evening yoga session complete with what is going on in my mind. I may be doing something wrong here….

We start our practice in a comfortable cross-legged position. Focus on deep diaphragmatic breathing.

I am so good at breathing it’s ridiculous. I wonder if anyone else can breathe as well as I can? Probably not. 

Slowly bend forward into a seated bend. Inhale the breast bone rises, exhale deeper into the pose.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Wait, woodchucks can’t chuck wood??  What’s the point of that question? 

Now rise up to all fours for cat poses. Inhale and round our your back, exhale the breast bone rises and the back straightens.

Yo I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want! So tell me what you want what you really really want! Stop. Focus on the calming yoga music. You’re ruining yoga for yourself. Calm. Relax. 

Step your right foot forward, adjust, the kidneys widening, the back straight, the spine tall. We move into chair poses.

I wonder how much weight I could lose by actually following my diet and doing yoga twice a day? I need to look good for swimsuit season. But wait, why should I have to conform to societies expectations of beauty? It’s all Hollywoods fault. Some skinny skanks get a few movie deals and now I have to lose 15 lbs.  That’s some bull. I’m healthy, I’m happy. I shouldn’t have to lose any weight. (Picture of a model pops into my head) Ok. Back on the diet tomorrow. 

Step your feet about 3 feet apart for standing twists. Remember to focus on your breathing.

I should write a screenplay. I bet I could think of a hilarious concept. Maybe about a very funny girl blogger whose blog gets discovered by a very charming and handsome actor/producer who contacts her to write a screenplay and then she does and everyone loves it and thinks she is both hysterical and beautiful and then she falls in love and everyone ends up really happy and laughing. STOP. No love stories. Only hilarity. Also, no men in this film at all. They will only distract you. Clearly you are easily distracted. Sheesh. Am I supposed to be exhaling or inhaling right now?? 

Back to all fours and sink back into childs pose. Do this four or five times. On your last exhalation move into downward dog and hold.

Ah man, my hands are all sweaty. I’m going to slip out of downward dog and move straight into girl who fell on her face….

Lay down on your back and bring your knees to your chest. Rock from side to side to release tension in the lower back.

Did I start the dishwasher? 

Put your right leg on the ground and fully extend your left leg. Focus on your inhalation and exhalation. Feel the hamstring soften.

In the case of a zombie apocalypse, I wonder how long I would actually survive? I don’t own any guns. I wonder if pepper spray works on zombies? Or on vampires? I know it wouldn’t work on a ghost. But what about the undead?? It didn’t in that Twilight movie but I’m pretty sure those are really romanticized and inaccurate portrayals of vampires. Which is actually very irresponsible if you think about it because now when the vampires try and take over the world, all these girls are going to be like “Love me. Love me!” and the vampires will just be sucking their blood like “Geez. Who knew taking over the world would be so easy? Thanks Stephanie Meyer.” 

Put your left leg on the ground and straighten your right leg. Keep the feet flexed to protect the knees. Then, bring both knees to the chest and begin dynamic twists.

Ok. Focus. You are zen. You are a zen master. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a rapper called “Zen Master”? And like all his rhymes were about peace and tranquility instead of hos and poppin caps. Poor guy, wouldn’t make any money. Nobody wants tranquil rap songs. 

Lay flat on your back with your hands at your sides, we now move into final relaxation.

I bet you could use the term “final relaxation” for death. Is this guy trying to kill me? What a clever way of luring someone into death. I should be mad but I’m too relaxed. You win yoga master. 

I’m pretty sure enlightenment is going to be out of my reach for a really long time.