Dobby Is A Good And Free Elf!

While introducing my cousins to the Harry Potter movies…

Bomb-dignity cousin: Is Dobby evil?

Me: WHAT? No. Dobby is good.

Spiderwoman cousin: But does he become evil?

Me: Dobby is a good and free elf! He is never evil – only good and free!

(Realizes we are only at the very beginning of The Chamber of Secrets)

Me: Oh. Uh. Spoiler alert: Dobby gets freed.

Also, for the record, my cousins chose their own pseudonyms for the blog. Shout out to Bomb-diggity and Spiderwoman!

Moonshine

Grammy fell and broke her hip last Thursday, but she is recuperating nicely and is expected to heal up completely. I spent the night with her at the hospital on Saturday. She was in typical Grammy form.

Grammy: Oh honey, I’m sorry. I think I’m moonshining you. 

Me: Grammy, I think you mean mooning me. 

Grammy: Well, it’s something to do with moons. 

Me: I wouldn’t say no to some moonshine though, if you had it handy. 

Grammy: I’m all out sweetheart. 

Corn.

One day when I was 11, my family was sitting around in the living room of our cottage just chatting and relaxing. My Uncle Tom had gotten up and gone to the bathroom which was very close to the room we were all sitting in. It had gotten a bit quiet when we heard him yell from the bathroom “Corn?! When did I eat corn?”

I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Now, every time I eat corn I think of that and smile. And I always will.

Thanks again for all your support these last couple weeks. I hope when you eat corn, you’ll think of this story. My Uncle Tom would have LOVED that. :)

http://www.gofundme.com/9toif4

Thank You.

The past several days have been awful. But your kind words and positive thoughts meant the world to me. I read and re-read every one and it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day.

I love you all. Thank you!

It doesn’t feel right to laugh and be funny right now, but it doesn’t feel right not to either. Especially because my family has lost two people who made us all laugh a lot. So, I’m going to try and get back to being funny soon and I hope you will laugh with me – for them.

If anyone is in a position to help, please go here: http://www.gofundme.com/9toif4

 

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them. Now. Today.

A truly horrible and tragic thing happened to my family this weekend. If you pray, please pray. If you send happy thoughts, please send happy thoughts. We could use all the prayers and thoughts you’ve got.

Also, if you could do one more thing for me – can you please tell everyone who means anything to you how much you love them and how thankful you are that they are in your life? We don’t say it enough. I guess we’re worried about being cheesy or too emotional. Don’t be, that’s silly. Tell them. Tell them often.

If This Makes Sense To You – Then You Are Probably Grammy

Grammy: Let’s go get food from that cheap place you like!

Me: Taco Bell?

Grammy: Yes!

Me: We literally just ate a huge meal. Like….3 hours ago. Are you really hungry?

Grammy: (Blank stare)

Captain Thoughtful: I’m not hungry. I’m stuffed. I couldn’t eat another bite.

Grammy: Well…then I’ll just get you some ice cream.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday.

This thought was specifically requested by my Aunt J – who is not only one of my favorite people on Earth, but is also the woman who officiated our wedding which means she brokered God’s blessing for us and basically I’m pretty sure I can’t deny her anything without risking eternal damnation or dissolution of my marriage. To be honest, I’m a little murky on the details.

Long story longer, my Aunt J requested my thought on Moms who cry when their adult children have their hearts broken – not just because they are sad for their kids, but because they really liked the boyfriend/girlfriend. She is asking for a friend I’m sure.

I am 100% not qualified to have a thought on this particular situation. However, that has never stopped me before. Here is what I suggest any person in this situation do. All of these things will comfort me you and make you feel better drunk.

1. Wine slushies.

2. Harry Potter marathon.

3.  Eating your feelings (I recommend Whataburger, but that’s just me)

4. Wine slushies.

5. Performing entire musical scores by yourself.

6. Drive down an isolated road and scream your guts out in the car. (Also, great practice for when you might be in that horror movie someday)

7. Puzzles.

8. Gin. (The game or the booze, your choice)

9. Watching literally any Lifetime movie. (This will put the fact that your life is less murder-y into perspective)

10. Focus all your efforts on getting Grammy to say “penis”.

I had like 10 more, but then I realized they were all pretty much hard liquor centered. And I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to make those kind of suggestions to my Aunt J . And by “inappropriate”, I mean I don’t want her to get drunk unless I’m there with my laptop so I can document every second of it. For research. For my book. Of which I would happily share a small but not insignificant percentage. (Probably it would be insignificant actually, she once stole a Chili’s giftcard from me in White Elephant at Christmas and I feel the pain of that loss every time someone says “baby back ribs”, which is more often than you would think).

I hope this made you laugh Aunt J. If it didn’t….drink a wine slushie and then read it again, it totally will then. Maybe drink two.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

Me: Ugh. It smells like skunk. Are there skunks in Maui? I feel like there shouldn’t be….

Mom Contrary: Umm…take another whiff there kiddo. That’s marijuana. Not a skunk. 

Me: Oh! Hahahaha! I mean, that has to be a win for you as a parent though, right? That I didn’t immediately recognize the smell of weed? Congratulations to you. 

Mom Contrary: Good point. Thanks. 

Balls.

Watching football with Grammy…

Grammy: Oh honey that quarterback is always handling the balls. 

Entire room bursts into laughter (I laugh so hard I give myself hiccups)

Grammy: Oh dear. I didn’t mean it like that, I meant balls like B-A-L-L…..oh wait, it’s the same…..

Grammy for the win!

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!

Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. The food is divine (thanks to my divine Mother) and there isn’t any pressure-fllled gift giving. It’s just food, football, and family. And I love it.

BUT

I am not unaware of the potential hazards of the holiday. Namely, the extreme hazard of getting involved in a controversial/emotional conversation with a family member. Basically, Thanksgiving can be a controversy obstacle course. In the past, I have pretty much comically tripped over every obstacle because, well, because I’m me. But, this year I’m prepared.

Any time anyone says anything remotely controversial, I will utter the  following in a robot voice.

“I have registered your opinion and filed it in my memory banks. Please proceed to the next topic.”

Also, I’ll do the robot while saying that. I don’t think anyone will be able to continue on after that.

I just saved Thanksgiving y’all.