Things I Worry About In Parking Lots

I am currently sitting in Whole Foods parking lot waiting for it to open (side note, why aren’t you open before 9am Whole Foods? I guess I should just eat McDonald’s for breakfast and have a heart attack. You would like that wouldn’t you? Sorry Whole Foods, I’m a bit hangry. Just open already.) Anyway, I am sitting here in the Whole Foods parking lot, in my used volvo, listening to NPR, and contemplating which salad to buy for lunch and I’m just really worried y’all that I am an accidental hipster. Am I an accidental hipster? All these things seem like hipster things. Is 30 too old to be an accidental hipster? How do I stop it?

Oh! Whole Foods just opened! BYEEEEEEE!

Hangover Hour

One of my favorite things to do is to go out to eat breakfast on Sundays between 10:30am and 11:30am. Why? Because that is the hangover hour. What is the hangover hour you ask? I’m so glad you asked! It’s the hour a lot of people with hangovers go out to breakfast. Listening to their orders is always a joy. It’s the little things peeps. Here are a few of my favorite overheard hangover orders from yesterday.

Hungover guy: Coffee…..please just….so…..much….coffee.

Hungover girl: Toast. Can I just have like a plate full of dry toast? And water. A lot of water.

Hungover guy2: Chicken fried steak, fried eggs, fried potatoes, and orange juice. Oh, and a side of pancakes. (Then he just stared at it for half and hour before getting it all packed up to go)

Hungover guy3: Do you sell beer here? I need more beer. Beer will help.

And that is why I love Sunday breakfast. Do y’all have any favorite hangover foods? For me, it’s french fries.

Churro Purist

Me: That makes me angry!

Captain Thoughtful: What does?

Me: That Oreo Churro stand.

Captain Thoughtful : Ummm….

Me: It’s like they are saying that Churros aren’t delicious enough and need to somehow be improved. They don’t need to be improved. They are delicious and perfect and probably made with magic and happy thoughts.

Captain Thoughtful :  You are a churro purist.

Me: Who will speak for the churros?! Me, that’s who.

Captain Thoughtful : But, you like Oreos.

Me: Wow. Yes, I do, but that is so completely off the point.

Captain Thoughtful : There is a point?

Me: I don’t even know anymore. Something about dessert?

Tacos > Skinny

Over the last 7 months or so, I have been on a mission to get healthier, which includes losing some weight. So, I have been eating better and exercising and having fairly good results. Yay. However, a lot of people have tried to motivate me by saying “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Those people are liars and scoundrels. I am here to tell you the truth and that is that I have eaten at least 10 things that taste better than skinny feels. At least.That doesn’t mean that I indulge all the time or gorge myself wantonly. I’m just saying, don’t tell me skinny feels better than eating a shrimp taco at Torchy’s. I have been skinny and I have eaten those tacos and let me tell you, the tacos are better.

Girl Scout Cookies

Regardless of the outcome of an encounter with a girl scout, I am left feeling good and guilty. If I buy cookies, I feel good because I made those little girls so happy and guilty because I am completely giving in to cookie temptation. If I don’t buy cookies, I feel good for resisting delicious sugary carbs and guilty because the looks on the girls faces when I say “No, thank you” makes me feel like I just ripped to shreds their favorite book. There is no winning during girl scout cookie season. Next year, I think I will just stay inside and hide until it’s all over and I can run errands without the emotional roller-coaster.

And now I feel sort of guilty for writing this post, so as a sign of goodwill, I will give all the girl scouts a good tip: If you see me next year and I say “no” to the cookies, maybe cry a little bit because then I will buy ALL your cookies and probably also start a college fund for you.