True Friends Help You Stalk That Guy At Starbucks

starbucks love

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taught the lesson of pure and true friendship. The kind of friendship you only find once in a lifetime. Want to know the key to this type of friendship? It’s helping your friends stalk their crushes at Starbucks. And it’s a beautiful thing.

You see, there is this super cute guy who works at the Starbucks I frequent (think Ryan Gosling when he has a beard in The Notebook). And, as I think I mentioned, I think this guy is a grade-A cutie-pie. I’m pretty sure he would write me poems and say really offbeat but endearing things to me. I’m pretty sure he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His favorite food is definitely Thai. We should be together. Alas, I don’t know if any of these things are actually true. All I know is that he works at the Starbucks I go to- oh, and did I mention he is lovely to look at??? But that’s it. That’s all I know, the rest is just educated guessing and nonsense. I mentioned this silly crush to a couple of friends at work and then they did the most shockingly wonderful thing friends can do- they offered to help me stalk him.

Although, to be fair, they didn’t actually offer to help me “stalk” him. They offered to help me learn to flirt better and to go with me to Starbucks every day after lunch for moral support. They have literally made me practice eye contact, they offer advice and encouragement, and they also tease me about my flirtation failings which might seem mean but is exactly what I need. Oh, and they have totally spent like $30 bucks on coffee in order to support me. This is what friendship looks like people.

Unfortunately, as I probably could have predicted, I’m still a flirtation failure. Without going into specifics (because they are just too gory for blogging), I have failed again and again at my mission. (By the way, my mission was to have a non-coffee related verbal exchange with eye-contact) These poor friends of mine have really tried and I’m sure their advice would have been incredibly useful for anyone who isn’t me. Fluttering eyelashes? When I try that, I look like I might be having a seizure. Coquettish smile? Yeah right. Hair flip? I promise you, if I tried I would break my neck. What I’m trying to say is this guy has most definitely not noticed me. Or actually, he has noticed me, but could not possibly be less interested. And I leave Starbucks everyday more and more depressed and rejected. Facing your failures is not the joyous experience one might think it would be. Go figure.

And anyway, I totally saw him smoking and that is a major dealbreaker. So really, I’m rejecting him. In the most pathetic and demoralizing way possible. I’m sure he’s gutted.

The silver lining here is that I realized I have some really stellar friends who will totally help me stalk my next crush. And really, what more could one ask for? Not many people get support from their friends in their stalking endeavors. So thanks you guys!! Thanks for being such marvelous friends and thanks for not giving up on me even when my eyelash flutters look like seizures.

Saved By The Bell Changed My Life

Saved by the Bell

Growing up, I loved Saved by the Bell. When I say “loved”, what I really mean is “obsessed.” I didn’t miss an episode. I took a very personal (some would say emotionally disproportionate) interest in the lives of Zack, Kelly, Jesse, Slater, Lisa, and Screech. I learned a lot from that show. In fact, some of lifes most important lessons were taught to me through the shenanigans of the Bayside crew.

Don’t take caffeine pills.

This is a very important lesson I learned from Jesse. In order to fulfill all of her educational and extra-curricular activities, Jesse turned to caffeine pills. Boy was that a mistake. At first, everything was working out perfectly- but within 10 minutes, Slater was on to her secret and warned her of the consequences of over the counter drugs. Zack, however, ignored the problem at first because he was about to get rich off of the newly formed girl group made up of Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse. There was exercise equipment and leggings in the music video- it was pure magic. Unfortunately the pills caught up to Jesse and she imploded. Zack was there for her in her darkest moment, who can forget the beauty and pain in her rendition of “I’m So Excited”? “I’m so excited…I’m so excited…I’m so….I’m so….sobbing….SCARED” Because of that episode, I have never experimented with over the counter caffeine pills. I never have had to deal with the fallout of a caffeine addiction and not once did I have to miss a performance of my girl group. Thank you Jesse Spano, thank you for your bravery.

Ducks are our friends, we should protect them.

Oil developers come to Bayside and at first, everyone is excited about the money that comes with oil. Only Jesse worried about the consequences. At the same time, each student at Bayside had adopted an animal that lived in the nearby lake. Tragedy struck when there was an oil spill that flooded the lake. All of the student’s animals were killed- including Zack’s duck. The moment when he realizes the pain greed causes was one of the most poignant moments in television history. His subsequent protest was powerful and inspiring. Because of this episode, I have a deep and abiding love for ducks (despite being viciously attacked by one as a child). We need to protect our ducks from oil spills people! Also, we should probably be worrying about oil spills in the ocean because turtles and dolphins are our friends too. This show was truly before it’s time.

Rock bands tear friends apart.

The whole gang is in a rock band. Casey Kasem even narrates this episode. It’s priceless. The after-school band the gang plays in for fun suddenly makes it big and becomes MAJOR. They are living life fast and loose. Until a slutty manager sets her eyes on Zack and convinces him that he is the real talent in the band. Zack is easily convinced. The band falls apart. Can you imagine? I mean, their most popular song was titled “Friends Forever.” These friends, these best friends, turn on each other and go their separate ways. Kelly even becomes a nun! A nun! Luckily, Zack comes to his senses and leaves the skank behind to reunite with his friends. All is right and well. The music is genius. This episode may have taught me one of lifes most important lessons which is- if you join a rock band with your friends then all of your friendships will fall apart. I was saved from that pain because I watched this episode and never joined a rock band (and believe you me, there were offers made).

These are just a few of the important lessons I learned from watching Saved by the Bell- I also learned a lot about relationships (Zack and Kelly were meant for each other), and what makes guys cool (hint- it’s long hair and reeebok high tops). Had I not been a fan of the show I probably would have ended up a caffeine pill addicted oil company executive who plays part time in a rock band with my ex-friends. Wow. Thank you Saved by the Bell. Thank you.

How To Tell Your Friend Her Boyfriend Is A Douche

It seems like I have so many friends right now who have other friends who have boyfriends that are complete douche canoes. Some of these guys keep promising marriage proposals and then putting them off until the next year, or until they graduate from underwater basket weaving school, or until their brothers/sisters get married first, or until Jesus comes back (because Heaven is really the best place to have a wedding). Other guys berate and turn otherwise strong intelligent women into weeping masses of “He didn’t mean it.” and “I know he loves me despite that fact he just called me a stupid cow.” Others are just controlling, manipulative, charming, smooth talkers who can finesse their way out of any lie and make their girlfriends apologize for catching them lying. What has happened to these women? These beautiful, wise, witty, brave, compassionate, brilliant women who we became friends with years ago because they were so unarguably fabulous? Where are our friends of yesteryear? I don’t know. I truly don’t. But I can’t tell you how much I wish I did.

I know we as the friends are getting more and more tired of the drama and tears. We all want to be good friends but their tumultuous relationships are emotionally draining to us as well. We are exhausted from giving really quality advice and then having it ignored and then the same problem happening over and over again. We are heartbroken and frustrated to see these formerly amazing women reduced to being someone’s pathetic girlfriend. And they are pathetic- and that kills me to say. Why aren’t they listening? What can they possibly be gaining from this toxic relationship?

I also know that we must absolutely stick by them through this. Even if we are throughly sick of it. If we are their friends, their best friends, we have to be there for them no matter what as long as they let us. No matter how much we loathe their boyfriends very existence and want to take a time machine back to the day of his conception and make sure his Mother remembers to take her birth control- we have to support her. Even though I’m sure we would feel a lot better if we could just take a sledgehammer to his crotch, we have to refrain (and if you do end up doing that please don’t say you got the idea from me). We don’t have to keep our mouths shut though. We just have to be delicate about the way we approach the subject of her boyfriend being a douche. Although, we probably shouldn’t call him a douche in front of her. We can, however, mention the changes we have seen in her and the way we worry because she doesn’t seem as happy as she did before. These are valid feelings. She needs to know we have them. We shouldn’t feel like we have a gag order on us just because she is dating an awful person. We also shouldn’t let our friend treat us poorly just because she gets treated poorly. If she isn’t there for you when you need her, or she forgets plans you made, or she hasn’t called you in ages because she is so wrapped up  in the soap opera that is her love life, then she isn’t being a good friend to you. You have to call her out on it. Nicely. In a calm way that doesn’t immediately put her on the defense. And she might hate you. And she might not want to be friends anymore, and she might turn the entire thing around on you and make it all your fault. She might do those things and that sucks. Actually, she probably will do all those things and again, that sucks.

I also think it’s important to (delicately) let her know how you feel because she is an adult and no matter how much we want to blame him for who she has become, it wouldn’t be fair because she has always had a choice. She chose to let him treat her that way, and she chose to wait around for him to change and while they may be poor choices, we can’t ignore the fact that they were choices nonetheless. It’s his fault he is a douche but it’s her fault for letting a douche in her life. It’s not an accusation or condemnation (seriously, we have all made bad choices before) it’s just an acknowledgment. She needs to acknowledge her boyfriends (or hopefully ex-boyfriends) douchebaggery and she needs to acknowledge that she tolerated that douchebaggery.

And maybe this is all terrible advice but I just couldn’t/can’t not say something when I see this happening to a friend. Realize, please, that if you take this advice there is a chance that she may hate you for a while or forever. Don’t say anything if you don’t want to take that chance- but it’s going to be hard not to say anything. This is a very precarious place to be in a friendship and what happens next will show you how close you truly are. I just have to say something, I tell my friends who are asking my advice on this to say something, but I don’t know if that’s the perfect answer for you and your friend. You know, you know what’s right for you and your friendship. I just wrote about this today because it seems to be a very prevalent topic of conversation amongst my friends and I these days. The moral of this post is if your friend is in a relationship with a douche then tell her that, nicely and also maybe don’t say douche (even though he is one).

Are We Still Friends If I’m Not On Facebook?

These are the things I’m pondering when I should be working….

1. Will J.K. Rowling ever write another Harry Potter book? Because I know she said she wouldn’t, but it would really mean a lot to me. I need another magical adventure in my life.

2. Why can’t more restaurants deliver? I think it would be big business for them because as someone who occasionally wants to order and eat enough food for 3 people, I don’t really want to eat in your restaurant and be stared at like a circus freak nor do I want to drive to your restaurant, pick-up my food, and have to lie about how many pieces of silverware I need (the answer is 1 but I will go to my grave saying 3). So, please, just get a delivery service, I know there are others people like me out there who would take advantage of it. But, hey, if you don’t want to make money that’s your business.

3. Why is it that online dating commercials make me feel judged? They just look at you from the screen with those smiles on their face and their arms around their match and their eyes say “What are you doing to meet the love of your life?” Or maybe I’m just being silly.

4. Are we still friends if I’m not on Facebook anymore? This, I think, is going to be the question of my generation.

5. When did text messaging become an acceptable way of asking someone out? I actually know the answer to this one, it isn’t nor will it ever be an acceptable way of asking someone out. Cowards. You deserve more effort my friends.

6. Why do some women get so upset when a man opens a door for them? Let’s be clear, I am a feminist. Like, a big one. But if a  man wants to open a door for me, then I let him. I don’t feel offended, I know I could open that door for myself and I’m sure he knows that if he wasn’t there I wouldn’t just stand outside the door waiting for someone to come along, he knows that I could open that door for myself. Seriously, I could open the hell out of that door. But if he wants to then I let him go right ahead, and I won’t get mad either, my arms are a little tired anyway.

7. Why in the world are there florescent lights everywhere I go? Honestly, I don’t need to see myself like that and I certainly don’t want other people to. Soft lighting folks. We all could use a little more soft lighting.

Those are just some things that I was thinking about today. I guess it would have made more sense to just have 5 questions or 10 but keep in mind, I am a Be A Lifehacker.

Posted in Random Tagged binge eating, contrary, curiosity, , , feminism, florescent lighting, , , JK Rowling, judgement, , magical adventure, online dating, open doors, ponderings, questions, restaurant delivery, soft lighting, text messaging

On This The Day Of My Birth

What does your birthday mean to you? Why is it such an important day? What  makes us so eager to celebrate and have others celebrate with us? Why is it so important to us that people remember that day?

My birthday was 3 weeks ago (and not today as the title of this blog would have you believe…) and I have been thinking about it quite a bit. It seemed a significant birthday to me, 25, quarter of a century old, but I went into it with low expectations. You see, I had deleted my Facebook account about a month before and I hardly thought that without that reminder anyone would remember. Surprisingly, many of my friends did. Even friends I wasn’t that close with texted or called me with happy wishes. More surprising than that was the fact that my very best friend in the entire world completely forgot. Forgot, and didn’t seem to be that fussed about forgetting. I’m telling you all of this so that you can understand a bit about why my thoughts have turned to birthdays recently. Feeling hurt about my best friend forgetting my birthday led me to question why it was I was so gutted that she forgot. What does a birthday really mean and why do people celebrate them ? When did we, as human beings, begin commemorating our day of birth, and why?

So, I did some research. I love research! It seems that for many cultures the idea of celebrating birthdays with family and friends began as a superstition that evil spirits, demons, etc. were more likely to target you on the anniversary of your birth and so family and friends would gather around you bringing with them all their happy thoughts and well wishes to protect you from the evil things. Due to this, many religions including Judaism and Christianity refrained from celebrating birthdays for centuries because they viewed it as a pagan practice. How far we have come from that, eh? In fact, today very few religious groups hold any particular stance on birthdays, preferring to leave it up to the individuals. That’s it. That’s how birthdays began. Obviously, like Christmas, Christians took a popular pagan practice and morphed it into a tradition based on their own beliefs and values and that is how most of us come to celebrate our birthdays today.  Simple as that.

My birthday has always been made an incredibly special day for me. My family makes me feel loved everyday but that day in particular I feel especially adored. We have celebrated in many different ways, each perfect in it’s own way. I love the presents of course, but I have always felt my birthday meant more than that- it meant spending the entire day with my family and friends. It meant laughter and lots of food and usually a shenanigan or two. It still means that. But after this last birthday it means more, yes, I was hurt by the people who forgot, but I also felt incredibly loved by the people who remembered. Do I have an exact definable reason why birthdays mean so much to us or why it’s so important that people remember? No. But I know they do mean a lot, they are important, but it is more important to celebrate with the right spirit- one that is joyful and thankful for those who remembered and not downhearted because of those who forgot- the right spirit in giving and getting. Yes, a happy spirit is essential, you wouldn’t want those evil spirits for which birthday celebrations were originated taking advantage of you.

Posted in Historical Oddities, Life, Realizations Tagged 25, best friend, birthday, birthday wishes, cake, celebrate, Christians, Christmas, evil spirits, Facebook reminder, , , happiness, joyful, laughter, presents, remember, well wishes