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Men's and Women's Toilets

There are separate bathrooms for a reason. Like this one.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the Women’s bathroom at my office and found myself facing a man. I froze. Usually, I’m not lost for words but this one had me befuddled. My first reaction was embarrassment for walking into a Men’s restroom. That would be so like me. My second reaction was indignation because I knew I hadn’t walked into a Men’s restroom- I was definitely in the Women’s- and how dare this guy make me feel embarrassed about walking into my own genders restroom. I mean, I really loathed him for a moment. My third reaction was like, uh, now what happens? Do I tell him he is in the wrong place? Do I just turn around and leave? What is happening here??!!!

We stared at each other like each of us was seeing an alien. It was seriously awkward and surreal. Finally, he says “I’m just checking the toilets.” and then he walked out of the restroom while I was still standing in the exact same position with my mouth wide open and my hand somehow pointing toward the door as if to say “One of us should be walking out of that door but I’m not sure which…” Then, I just started giggling like a little girl and went about my business.

I accepted his “checking the toilets” excuse at face value at first but then all the facts of this mystery started coming together. 1. He was a Man in a Women’s restroom.

2. He was not wearing a uniform of any type.

3. He was dressed business professionally.

So now I’m thinking that there is no way that guy was “checking the toilets”. I mean, why would you wear slacks and a button-down shirt to check a toilet? I don’t think you would. Even if you took your toilet-checking job very seriously I still don’t think you would dress that nice. I mean, what if the toilet didn’t work and then it exploded all over your nice clothes? It seems like an awful waste of a button-down. So, the only conclusion I can come to is that Mr. Man was in the wrong bathroom. Maybe it was an accident. Or maybe it was something more sinister, like he was installing cameras for a yucky fetish website or he was like personally trying to spy on Women using the potty, or maybe he finds the sound of Women urinating comforting. I don’t know. No matter what, I really can’t support  his reasons. The whole incident made me very uncomfortable. I would like to be really progressive and say that Men and Women using the same restrooms is no big deal but I just can’t go there. I like having separate bathrooms. I’m sorry Mr. Man, I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, it’s just  this experience was very unsettling for me and I don’t want to repeat it.

Also, the stall he was walking out of when I walked in was the very first stall, which happens to be the stall I typically use. Never again. I will never ever use that stall again. I just can’t. Thanks a lot dude.

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Sometimes Blogging Hurts My Feelings

Crying Woman

She poured her heart and soul into her blog. Alas, no one visited.

This is what I look like on days with low visits. It hurts me, it really does. Am I being overly sensitive and dramatic? No. You are being overly sensitive and dramatic- now leave me alone! (Flees room crying and slams the door).

Please stay. I’m sorry I cried and yelled and slammed the door. That was very wrong of me indeed. I just got caught up in the emotion. Heat of the moment and all that. Deep breaths. Ok? Now let’s blog.

I don’t know why I want people to read this blog. I really don’t. I’m not sure what I think I’m going to get out of it. All I know is that I absolutely adore writing it. It brings me great joy and fulfillment. I like laughing and I love making other people laugh. I like sharing my bizarre short stories and not so good poetry. Also, I really like for lots of people to read it. Like a lot. I don’t know why that matters. It just does.

Blogging is like crack. And if lots of people read your blog then that makes your blog like the most expensive kind of crack. And you totally get hooked on it, and then all of a sudden you don’t get any views and it sends you into detox. And I don’t want to detox from blogging, ok people?! Stop trying to send me into blogging detox by not reading my blog. I like my blog addiction. Please make it sweeter by visiting my blog lots and lots. The more you do, the funnier I will try to be. And I can be pretty funny when I try.

I don’t want to sound desperate. But I am. I am desperate for more blog readers. I am also very self-aware. So, if you like self-aware humor then you should read this blog. If you like desperation, you should read this blog. If you are male, you should read this blog. If you are female, you should read this blog. If you are a robot, you should read this blog. Please read my blog- 0therwise my feelings will get hurt. And when my feelings get hurt, I’m not so funny. Actually, I’m funnier- but that is beside the point.

Just read my blog. Ok? Please? Thank you. Really, thank you for reading!

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Feminae (Part 1)

It’s been twenty years since the coup. The bloodless, victimless, almost pleasant coup. The women’s coup. The coup that made me, a man, a completely powerless citizen of the world. As it turns out, that was for the best.

I don’t know how they did it. All I know is that somehow all of the women of the world were able to communicate with one another silently and without evidence. My belief is that they used their eyes but I have no proof of it- only a sneaking suspicion that they discovered a form of communication no man could follow or trace. We never looked in their eyes before. I’m pretty sure they used their eyes.

What the women communicated was that they were sick and tired of being treated poorly. Sick of never being looked in the eye. Sick of always being victims. Sick of never being paid equal wages. Sick of wars, and poverty, and suffering that men created and they paid for. The women were sick. They were also angry. Angry that many of them had to starve themselves to get a vote. Angry that almost no one acknowledged their contribution in almost every war known to man (most of those contributions being non-violent and entirely more useful). Angry that men didn’t carry the same burden they did even though Adam took as big a bite of that apple as Eve did. The women were angry. Sick and angry those women were.

So, they decided they didn’t like feeling sick and angry and once they decided that it was all over for the men. The women told each other (I’m sure it was through the eyes) that they were going to overthrow the men- without gore of course, they were ladies after all- so they did. One day, or night depending on what part of the world they were in, all of the women at exactly the same time told all the men, as sweetly as possible, that they didn’t run things anymore and that the women would be managing the world from now on and that there were going to be some very big changes in life. Shockingly, almost no man resisted it. I know I was relieved. When my wife told me she would be taking over I thought it was a splendid idea. She managed our household to perfection and I didn’t doubt she could help run the world that way.

Some men did attempt to fight back but it was short-lived and even weaker-hearted. I think the only reason they fought was out of pride and even they could see that was an awfully silly reason to fight. Where had pride ever gotten us anyhow? So the women triumphed and ever since then world has been a much prettier place to live in. No one is fighting and dying in wars, no one goes hungry, no one sleeps without a roof over their head unless they want to, our ozone has grown back, the rainforests are flourishing, and before bed every night everyone in the world says the same prayer ” I am thankful, I am satisfied”.

I won’t say there haven’t been a few changes I don’t wholly approve of. The way men are separated into two groups, sperm donors and sexual partners, seems a little crude. Sperm donors are men who are of above average intelligence and possess many pleasing physical attributes as well as having all the most desirable genes. The women harvest their, ahem, “samples” and use them to get pregnant and procreate. That may not sound all that different from the way things use to be but for the women it sure is. They uncovered a way to have pain-free birth. I can’t tell you what it is- I don’t know myself. What I do know is that apparently a male doctor discovered pain-free birth hundreds of years ago and forgot to tell anyone. Well, I think he forgot- the women understandably think otherwise. So, having children doesn’t hurt and the women are more than happy to raise the children in a world as lovely as ours is these days.

The other group of men, the sexual partners, are men who showed an aptitude for giving women pleasure. Not just sexually, although that certainly is a large part of it. Men who are sexual partners also give to the women they are paired with what they need emotionally. The men in this category are usually partnered with one women for their entire adult life. Both the men and the women are screened very carefully and then the women is given a choice of two men who are believed to best suit their needs sexually and emotionally. Usually the woman chooses the right man although sometimes she doesn’t and in that case she just goes back to the store and picks another. Some women go through many sexual partner men but that’s because they want to not because the system doesn’t work. I don’t understand the system but it’s something the women worked out and it seems to work rather well- although as I mentioned before, I consider it a bit crude.

I happen to fall into the sexual partner category. I wasn’t too happy about being separated from my wife and being seemingly through into a lifetime with some stranger. I was wrong. As it turns out, I was paired with my wife anyway. It is nice to know that even before the system some women knew how to choose.

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