Things I Thought When I Saw Jurassic World

Ok. I can handle this. I am an adult human woman and I refuse to cower in fear. These animals are extinct. They can not hurt me. I am bigger than this fear.

Trained raptors?! What will Hollywood think of next?

These idiots never learn, their hubris is their destruction. Huh. That was deep. Good for me.

Why can’t they find it?! How is it hiding? IT IS SMARTER THAN PEOPLE OH MY GOODNESS I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS.

Nooooooooo!!!!

RUN. RUN AWAY. NEVER STOP RUNNING.

This freaking thing is killing for sport! It’s an unstoppable animal serial killer. It’s  Jack the Ripper-osaurus.

I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. Overcoming my fears is stupid. This is a fear I need to retain because it will keep me alive when this shit goes down for real.

THE RAPTORS HAVE A NEW ALPHA THEY HAVE TURNED ON YOU RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

No. No. No. Nope.

Holy guacamole, even raptors trust Chris Pratt. That guy is the actual best.

Raptors and TRex teaming up! If I wasn’t terrified by that notion I would be thrilled.

Whew. Over. I made it through to the end and only closed my eyes for like 47% of the movie. I deserve ice cream.

I Am Preparing Myself Emotionally

And not for Jurassic World as you might expect. I am emotionally preparing myself for Mockingjay Part 2.

The first trailer came out this week and all I can say is……sniff…..sniff…I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I AM ALREADY CRYING OK????!!!!

I am so glad I have several months to get my shit together so that I don’t embarrass myself and my husband by ugly crying in a crowded theater come November. Specifically, I am preparing by re-reading the book and ugly crying within the privacy of my own home, like a lady.

How are yall preparing?

Spielberg Is Coming For Me Again

Watching the trailers for the new Jurassic Park is causing me to doubt that I have truly overcome my fear of dinosaurs. I can only assume that Spielberg heard that I was no longer terrified of dinosaurs and so decided to make them smarter and therefore much more terrifying just to spite me. Well played Spielberg.

You haven’t won yet though Steven, because I AM going to see your new Jurassic Park and I won’t be afraid. Because I am going to get good and liquored up first. So there. I win.

Dobby Is A Good And Free Elf!

While introducing my cousins to the Harry Potter movies…

Bomb-dignity cousin: Is Dobby evil?

Me: WHAT? No. Dobby is good.

Spiderwoman cousin: But does he become evil?

Me: Dobby is a good and free elf! He is never evil – only good and free!

(Realizes we are only at the very beginning of The Chamber of Secrets)

Me: Oh. Uh. Spoiler alert: Dobby gets freed.

Also, for the record, my cousins chose their own pseudonyms for the blog. Shout out to Bomb-diggity and Spiderwoman!