Something About Decapitating Your Lover Seems Wrong.

So, I’ve been watching a lot of Discovery Channel (uh, last week was Shark Week- duh.) and Animal Planet. I’ve come to the conclusion that nature is really cruel and sometimes super gross. I mean, I definitely still love nature and I really love being out in it I just don’t want to see it that close anymore. This is one of those “ignorance is bliss” moments.

Take the female Praying Mantis. She takes a lover- then afterward decapitates him. She chews (or chops or something) his head off! And it’s like, sheesh, he can’t have been that bad. Also, I can’t figure out if he knows it’s coming or not. Like does he know that after the sex he is going to DIE? Because if he knows, well then fair play. But if he doesn’t…something about it just seems wrong. Because, why does he have to die? Can’t she just hit it and quit it? Why death? Nature is confusing and brutal.

Praying Mantis Eating Her Mate

She is EATING her lover!! I bet they didn't mention that on her eHarmony profile.

I also saw this episode where a small lion-like creature ( I wasn’t really paying attention to the name) attacked this really pretty seemingly defenseless bird. And it’s like- hey you big jerk lion pick on someone your own size and leave the pretty bird alone. But then right after that they showed that pretty bird murdering a snake or something and so I guess it wasn’t that defenseless.

Is anyone else really worried about the circle of violence in nature? No one? No? Just me? Fair enough. And I know it’s nature and we aren’t supposed to really mess with it and just let it be but maybe there could be like etiquette classes for animals where they learn that is isn’t nice to brutally murder each other. And also you could teach them how to serve tea because that would be a pretty amazing trick.

So- I think I’m sort of done with watching these shows because they just make me feel really sad about the state of the world. It just seems like if praying mantis couples, who seem like they have everything going for them, can’t make it then no one can. Alas.

Nobody Takes Me Seriously

Pouting Child Nobody Takes Seriously

When I hit my head, and feel really sure that if I go to sleep I won’t wake up because of a massive head bleed.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I tell people that David Muir is the love of my life.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When really bright lightening wakes me up in the night and I feel really sure that aliens have landed.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I know that I saw Rachel McAdams in the bathroom at Nobu in NYC.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I know that I could definitely talk someone out of murdering me.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I tell people that if Zach Braff just met me he would hire me as a writer and I would write hilarious TV shows for him.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I don’t have a doubt in my mind that the mob is somehow involved in everything.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I worry that every inanimate object that surrounds me might really have a brain and feelings.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When it’s important to me that both my shoes be tied at exactly the same level of tightness. No matter how long it takes.

Nobody takes me seriously.

When I write blog posts about nobody taking me seriously.

Nobody takes me seriously. And I LIKE it.

Will Not Be Tarnished

The Nile in Uganda

Beautiful, Peaceful- This is My Uganda

Yesterday, a place I love was attacked. Yesterday, people of all nationalities were killed while watching the World Cup Finals in Kampala, Uganda. One of the places that was bombed was a place I know well. In 2008, I sat in that very same rugby club and watched the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics with people from all over the world. Everyone cheered as their respective nations walked around the stadium and I will always remember how happy I felt at that moment. They served good food, they had comfy couches, everyone who came there had a smile on their face. That night in Kamapala, Uganda at the rubgy club was one of my happiest. And now that place is gone. In the last ten  minutes of a thrilling match the world split apart for those in my favorite rugby club as well as those at a nearby Ethiopian restaurant.

I don’t understand this kind of disrespect for human life. I simply can’t comprehend this type of hate. Honestly, at this point I don’t care who perpetrated this attack and why- it won’t change what has already been done. Later, I will wonder and speculate. Today, however, I just want to remember that place as it was and send all my thoughts and prayers to those who are in hospital recovering and the families of those 74 who will never recover. Today, the attackers will not occupy my mind- they don’t deserve first thoughts- first thoughts are reserved for those whose pleasant and happy night was brought to an abrupt and violent end.

One of my favorite Ugandan hang-outs is gone but I won’t ever forget the way it was. My memories will not be tarnished by hatred. I will not be afraid to travel back to the place I love, the place where I have found some of my most joyful moments and experiences. Despite last nights events, Uganda will remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful places I have ever visited. A place where I not only witnessed peace, but where I found my own.

Tastes Like Murder. A Typical Day at the Office.

I opened the refrigerator at my office today. It smelled like something had been brutally murdered in it. It was beyond retch worthy. Not only was I afraid something would jump out of the fridge and then brutally murder me to replenish the smell- I was mostly worried about the drink I had left in it yesterday. The opened drink that I was pretty sure would now taste like murder.

Now, at this point, most people would probably just throw away that drink. Not I. I chose to trepidatiously sip at my day-old-cooled-by-a-murder-smelling-refrigerator beverage. Luckily for me, it did not taste like murder. It tasted just like the mixed berries it should have. Boy, was I relieved. Also, afterwards, I had to wonder why I had chosen to take a sip, sure it worked out alright in the end but that could have been the most disgusting of beverage disasters. Why in the world, did I take the chance?

I don’t really have an answer but I do know one thing. Someone in my office is responsible for that foul stench. Of course, when cornered and mercilessly interrogated, no one would admit their wrong-doing (or at the very least forgetfulness). There are only a few plausible conclusions to draw from this.

1. Someone at my workplace is trying, unsuccessfully, to kill me via my sense of smell.

2. There is actually some type of hob-goblin living in that refrigerator that is invisible and is brutally murdering things and then making them invisible and then letting them rot for the joy of seeing the office’s disgusted faces. (I heard somewhere that hob-goblins get the most joy out of making people disgusted).

3. There are vampires working here and they accidently left their bottles of blood opened in the fridge and now they don’t want anyone to know it was them because their super secret vampire identities would be revealed.

4. There isn’t a smell at all and I have a massive brain tumor that is making me smell things that don’t exist.

Those are the only logical conclusions I have come to. Don’t even get me started on the improbable scenarios I have concocted for the source of the smell (suffice it to say one of them involves time travel). Anyway you look at it, I’m not sure my workplace is safe anymore.

Posted in Random Tagged blood, brain tumor, disgusting, foul smell, hob-goblin, , nasty drinks, office, refrigerator, tastes like murder, time machines, unsafe workplace, vampires