Things I Am Thankful For

Doing this a day early because all I plan on doing tomorrow is watching football and shortening my life span by two years via excessive gravy consumption.

1. Captain Thoughtful (cue the “awwww”)

2. Family and friends (cue the double “awwww” – damn I’m adorable on Thanksgiving…)

2. Harry Potter audio books (makes the 12 hour drive magical)

3. Torchy’s Tacos

4. Torchy’s Tacos

5. Torchy’s Tacos

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!

Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. The food is divine (thanks to my divine Mother) and there isn’t any pressure-fllled gift giving. It’s just food, football, and family. And I love it.

BUT

I am not unaware of the potential hazards of the holiday. Namely, the extreme hazard of getting involved in a controversial/emotional conversation with a family member. Basically, Thanksgiving can be a controversy obstacle course. In the past, I have pretty much comically tripped over every obstacle because, well, because I’m me. But, this year I’m prepared.

Any time anyone says anything remotely controversial, I will utter the  following in a robot voice.

“I have registered your opinion and filed it in my memory banks. Please proceed to the next topic.”

Also, I’ll do the robot while saying that. I don’t think anyone will be able to continue on after that.

I just saved Thanksgiving y’all.

 

I Am Thankful For You.

Today is Thanksgiving and I am a very big believer in giving thanks. So, I wanted everyone who reads, subscribes, comments, or maybe just peruses this blog occasionally to know that I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU.

So, very very thankful.

I can’t tell you what it means to me have this space that is filled with people who are complete strangers and yet who completely accept me for who I am. Crazy and all. Thanks for laughing with me, hell, thanks for laughing at me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it means to me that you do.

LOVE and THANKS

GotC

I’m Coming For You Grammy.

First, just so you don’t think of me as a Grammy-crushing monster, I feel like you should know a couple things.
1. She is very very very very very competitive. (I get this shiz honestly y’all)
2. She is in excellent condition and has no physical ailments.
3. She is totally coming for me too.
Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family. We go balls to the wall out y’all! I’m talking multiple flavors of pie, huge turkey, enough mashed potatoes to fill a bathtub, and stuffing as far as your eye can see (if you’re near-sighted). But, we also follow up our extreme Thanksgiving meal challenge (which, I feel like I win every year) with some exercise, because we aren’t gluttonous monsters y’all. Sometimes we play softball, and in that case, I’m not like a winner winner but more like a winner in spirit you know, which is more valuable in the long run because it means I have a good character and all the rest of the family who beat me are probably lacking a lot of character and also they’re cheaters.
But this year, this year, we’re playing kickball and I feel really really good about my chances for crushing the people I love who happen to be on the opposing team. Because I have freaky strong legs and a history ( in the 4th grade) of being super duper good at kickball. This year, Grammy can’t use her trick pitch (known as the “dipsy-doodle”) on me. No, this year, I’m coming for her. This is my year to shine….in the family kickball game.
Also, I totally get to call Captain Thoughtful for my team (you know, because of the love and marriage and everything) and he is a giant who is crazy good at sports. So, yeah. Watch yourself Grammy.

Turkey For Everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving y’all!!! I have an abundance of things to be thankful for this year and one of those things is YOU! I am so thankful for all the lovely readers of this blog who encourage me daily and leave comments that are more often than not better than anything I write. You guys are my hero!

The Circus

The Circus

Thanksgiving wasn't unlike this.

Below are some highlights from the circus aka Thanksgiving. Please keep in mind, these are my relatives, so don’t be surprised at the bizarre nature of the comments. I get my absurdity honestly.

The Squirrel Anecdote

After lunch, while munching on chips and homemade salsa (This is Texas y’all) my 8-year old cousin randomly and brilliantly said this:

“Who knows somebody who has handcuffed a squirrel?” “I do.”

I mean, that is a stellar line. Who could not be stunned by such a fantastically wonderful question? Also, I love that she answered her own question without even giving anyone else a chance to answer. Of course, I highly doubt anyone knew someone who had handcuffed a squirrel. Although, now I can say I do, because guess what? It was my cousin who handcuffed the squirrel. You might be wondering how she could handcuff a squirrel. I know I was. Apparently, she used Barbie handcuffs. That’s right folks, there is a Barbie out there that comes with handcuffs. I’m really not sure what kind of Barbie it is- when I asked all I got was an ambiguous “jail” response. WHAT? Barbie went to jail? For what? Drug dealing? Or did she finally get busted for impersonating pilots, astronauts, and teachers? Whatever it was, they set her up with some serious handcuffs because they worked ON A SQUIRREL. For real. I’m not sure what would inspire my cousin to handcuff a squirrel but whatever that inspiration was, I want her to keep following it because it’s brilliant. (Don’t worry, I was assured no animal was harmed in this citizens arrest).

Random Opera singing

Oh yes, my Thanksgiving day and night was enhanced by completely random and un-requested opera singing. Beautiful, but odd.

Bingo Wings

I have some truly extraordinary cousins. Two of which, introduced me to the term “bingo wings”. What are bingo wings, you might be wondering? Well, you know when older women raise their arms to wave and they have that extra skin that flaps in the wind? Those are bingo wings. They are so-called because most of the women who have them play bingo- at least where they are from (which is East Texas).

(Please note this is not where I’m from, I’m from Austin which is central Texas which is NOT like East Texas- just wanted to clarify that)

Slutshirt

The same cousins who introduced bingo wings to me also introduced the “slutshirt” to me. A slutshirt is like a sweatshirt. Sort of. A sweatshirt becomes a slutshirt when it is unable to contain the wearers boobs and they protrude from the sweatshirt- protruding boobs make it a slutshirt. My cousins gave me some excellent examples of people they know who turn sweatshirts into slutshirts but I don’t want to betray their trust by sharing those examples with you. Suffice it to say, when you see one you will know instantly that it’s a slutshirt and not a sweatshirt.

 

Raise your hand if you’re jealous you weren’t at my house for Thanksgiving. ;)

Avoiding Thanksgiving Controversy

Simpsons Thanksgiving

We are having close to 40 people over to our house for Thanksgiving. And it just so happens that there are a lot of, how shall we say…, “strong personalities” that are coming. Needless to say, things can get controversial. In order to avoid being part of the massive argument controversy I have created a list of responses to questions that lead to murder controversy. Please feel free to use these at your Thanksgiving if things get…..controversial.

Argument causing question: So, what do you think about the President?

Answer: Yes, I really did enjoy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1. Thanks for asking.

Argument causing question: How do you feel about Healthcare?

Answer: Did you know really cold things, like liquid nitrogen, can actually burn you? Imagine getting burned by something that was freezing? What’s up with that?

Argument causing question: What do you make of Sarah Palin?

Answer: Did I ever tell you about the time I spilled pineapple juice on my laptop? Funny story.

Argument causing question: How do you feel about [insert any religious subject here]?

Answer: You know, I really feel like grown-up cereals should have prizes in them too. Don’t you?

Argument causing question: What do you think about immigration?

Answer: I think I’m going to immigrate over to the dessert table- yum!

Argument causing question: Who did you vote for?

Answer: I was thinking about owls the other day. What do you think, most undervalued animal ever?

Argument causing question: So, when are you going to get married and start having babies?

Answer: Do you ever think about the word “tissue”? It’s a weird word. Sounds almost like a sneeze. And you use one after you sneeze. Think about that.

I hope you found these dangerous conversation diverters useful. They can be used on any major holiday when families gather.

Happy Thanksgiving! And for those of you not from the US- I just wish you very happy.  I won’t be posting Thursday or Friday (because I will most likely be in some type of coma). I am so thankful for each and every one of you who read and comment on this blog!