Is It Just Me, Or Am I Awesome?

TwitterSo, maybe I follow some celebrities on Twitter. And maybe I think that makes us friends. And, speaking as a dear friend, or you know, potential soul mate, I think it’s my duty to call them out on any ridiculous behavior. Because that’s what friends do. I’m nothing if not a good friend, and if my friends tell you I’m not actually a good friend, they’re probably liars.

Lately, I’ve noticed some of my celebrity friends have been self-indulgently tweeting (I’m not sure if there is a kind of tweeting that isn’t self-indulgent but that’s beside the point). They tweet things like “Hey! Does anyone want to get dinner with me?” and I’m like “Uh. You’re famous. EVERYONE wants to get dinner with you. You’re just tweeting that so a million people will @ you and tell you how much they want to get dinner with you, but you don’t actually have any intention of having dinner with them. You’re kind of a tool-bag.” I mean, seriously? What could be the purpose of tweeting something like that when you’re famous, other than relishing in the thousands and thousands of tweets you get in reply, none of which, you actually respond to. As your friend, I have to call a code a-hole on this one. Because that’s what friends do. Also, it really hurt my feelings when I replied and said I would LOVE to have dinner with you and you didn’t say anything back. That really stung. Luckily for you celebrity twitter friend, I’m very loyal and forgiving so I’ll give you another chance.

Or sometimes, they tweet things like “I need a hug.” and then thousands of people (mostly girls if the celebrity is male and even mildy attractive) reply saying they would be more than happy to hug the celebrity- but trust me girls, they have NO intention of actually hugging you. I found this out after I spotted a celebrity who had tweeted that very thing like 6 months earlier. When I walked up to him and threw myself into his arms, he acted really surprised and then angry and even went so far as to call the police. I mean, what did he expect??! You can’t tweet you want a hug and then not accept the hugs being offered to you. I’ll tell you one thing, that celebrity lost a friend in me that day and not just because the court ordered me to stay at least 500 feet away from him, he lost my friendship well before he took out that restraining order.

I’m just saying, tweeting things like that is basically like asking “Is it just me, or am I awesome?” and then expecting everyone to reply verifying that you are indeed awesome. I mean, you’re already famous, do you really need that much more affirmation? Then answer is no. No, you don’t need daily affirmation of how awesome you are. You’re already famous and rich and have lots of friends and pseudo-friends who will eat dinner with you and give you hugs when you need them.  You know who does need daily affirmations? People with low self-esteem. How about you use your celebrity for a good cause and tweet “Hey! Who wants to grab dinner with @LowSelfEsteemer?” and then lots of people will say they do and Low SelfEsteemer won’t have to eat dinner alone and nobody will think you’re a tool-bag anymore. The only self-indulgent tweets I want to see are those that are indulging in other people’s self. Are we clear on that celebrity friends?

Celebrities are so lucky to have me as a friend/potential soul mate.

I Googled That.

You know, I really pride myself on using correct grammar. Sure, I make mistakes and I’m sure you could find about 1,000 in this blog (as a side note, please don’t do that, it makes you a douche-bag). So, when I don’t know the correct usage or pluralization of a word, I look it up. I’m telling you this because you need to know that about me for two reasons.

1. It’s important that we get to know each other better.

2. It will give some perspective to this post.

So, I’m on Twitter the other day and I see this:

Seth Myers Twitter

I thought it was pretty clever, which is to be expected, and I wanted to respond with an equally clever reply. Because, and I’m not totally sure about this, but I think I want Seth Myers to love me. Or at the very least think I’m hysterical, which to me, is basically the same thing. I wanted my reply to say “Hey! I’m a cute girl with a killer sense of humor. We should grab dinner sometime and I will charm your pants off (literally) with my humor.” Or, you know, something like that.

But, before I could officially reply, I had to Google this: “What is the plural of penis?”

True story.

You see, I have always referred to multiple penises as “peni”, and though I have some vague memory of creating that word because I thought it was funny, I’ve used it as if I learnt it in sex education on the day when they talked about how to refer to genitalia in the plural.  And can I just say, I think we should have probably spent more time on that lesson and less time on herpes. No offense to herpes but there are only so many mouth and junk sores I can look at in a day. As a side note, “junk” refers to genitalia and I actually did learn that word in school but not in an official class. Anyway, I Googled the plural of penis and it turns out it was penises and not peni. Personally, I think peni sounds funnier but, who am I to judge the English language? Now whenever I start to type any word that starts with “P” Google suggests some pretty racy stuff. It’s getting a little bit inappropriate Google, I wanted to find “pizza places” not “porn palaces”. Get it together.

Anyway, my reply tweet to Seth Myers was this:

Be A Lifehacker Twitter

It was a disaster. I was clearly too aggressive with the capital letters. Instead of being cute and sarcastic my tweet came off all yelly and stuck-up. Alas, no dinner invitation was extended and really, I can’t blame the poor guy. My tweet effectively punched him in the junk and then laughed at him when he cried in pain. Although, I have to say, I laughed hysterically at my own tweet for like, 2 minutes. At least I think I’m hilarious. This could probably be a Flirtation Failure post, no?


All The Blog Posts I Meant To Write


So, here we are at the end of November and I’m realizing I didn’t write all the blog posts I meant to write. Shucks. So, in an effort to appease my guilt over not giving these posts my full attention I’m combining them into one, rather pointless and non-cohesive, blog post. Just think what could have been……

Pet Peeve Day 2.5

So, I completely skipped my Pet Peeve Day post in October. Also, I kind of skipped it in November. I don’t think there is a real Pet Peeve Day- I think it’s just random days when I’m feeling particularly complainy. So, I’m not going to hold myself to writing one a month anymore. Of course, this should surprise no one as I’ve only written 2 in the year since I started this blog. Anyway, here are a few pet peeves to tide you over until I have another grouchy day.

1. People who don’t see the brilliance in occasionally mispronouncing words. Listen, sometimes it’s funny. Stop putting the DIC in Dictionary by forever correcting people who are making a hilarious joke by mispronouncing a word.

2. Pulling a hamstring. I hit the yoga mat a little too hard….I mean, I ran like 75 miles.

3. People who don’t believe I ran 75 miles.

4. Nay-sayers. Have I said this one before? I can’t recall. If I have, don’t be a nay-sayer and point it out.

Flirtation Failure: The Series

I didn’t flirt in November. No one should be surprised by that. I don’t feel as bad about not writing this post because how boring would that have been?

I spent all month writing for NaNoWriMo and all I got was 50,000 words.

Well, to be precise, I got 50,679 words. While it was nice to meet my goal, I highly doubt I have a novel. In fact, I’m pretty sure I  made up at least 1,674 of those words and that they probably don’t even count. I definitely got in a lot of writing practice which is good but I’m just not sure those 50,679 words amount to anything more than that. I spent a month writing the words and it will take me another 3 to make a novel out of them. I think I did this wrong.

Ok, Twitter. It’s starting to get personal.

Remember when Twitter was only suggesting that I follow romance writers? Yeah, well now they are peppering my suggested follows with self-proclaimed prostitutes. Seriously. It’s really starting to hurt my feelings because I can’t figure out what Twitter is trying to tell me but no matter what it is, I’m pretty sure I’m being insulted. For goodness sakes. Stop trying to send me messages through suggested follows Twitter- it’s very passive aggressive. Also, remember when a couple of lines ago I said it hurt my feelings? Well it does.


So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen the November posts that could have been. Don’t cry for them, they are in a better place now. A place with lots of other half-written blog posts where there is typing and posting and image tagging galore- and also lots of dancing and cotton candy. They’re happy now. Rest in peace blog ideas, you served me well. (But not really because you never got written- although I’m probably like 77% at fault for that)


Twitter Thinks I Suck At Flirting Too

Twitter has opinions on my love life. Very strong opinions. I had no idea Twitter was so invested in my love life. Oh, but it is. It’s very invested. So invested, that it has taken to suggesting that I follow romance novelists exclusively. I mean, I used to get suggestions for random celebrities and news organizations but now it is without exception romance novelists. Does Twitter really think this is going to help me? Apparently, it does.

Also, who do you think you are Twitter?! Getting all up in my business like that. You think you, who is nothing more than code and good marketing, can tell me what’s missing in my life? Sure, I’m not a good flirt. Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve had a relationship. Sure, I’m not very suave or charming when it comes to romance. Sure, I have a hard time speaking in front of attractive guys. Sure……oh, I see your point. Well played.

Ok, ok. I could use some help. You’ve won the argument there, but romance novels? I have a very hard time seeing how that is going to help at all. I’ve always had a distaste for these types of books. I find them to be unrealistic and the female characters weak. But, I haven’t read all that many so I could be wrong. Except for the unrealistic part. I’m pretty sure that these books are across the board extremely unrealistic. And unrealistic is the opposite of what I need. I already live too much in my imagination. I don’t need anything else in my life that pulls me from reality. Trust me, I’ve got that one more than covered. What I need, I think is something realistic. Something substantial. Something that gives me a lightbulb moment and suddenly makes flirting and romance easier. But, that seems pretty unrealistic in itself. Hmmm. Even my realistic wishes are unrealistic. Alas.

What I’m trying to say, Twitter, is this: please stop it with all the romance suggestions. Yes, you are correct in assessing that I’m lacking in that particular area of life, but your suggestions aren’t helping. In fact, they are just sort of silly. And sure, maybe I will come back to this in about 15 years when I’m really getting desperate but for now, please just go back to random celebrities as suggestions. I really do appreciate your concern but I think this is something I have to figure out for myself- without the “help” of romance novels. Ok?

Also, could I at least get more than 140 characters on my birthday? Like, as a gift? Just thought I would ask.

Twitter Wants Me to Follow Twitter on Twitter.


I’m just going to say/write it again so everyone understands the enormity of the situation- Twitter wants me to follow Twitter on Twitter. So the request would read “follow Twitter on Twitter”. Anyone else’s mind being blown by this?? Seriously? I mean, if I’m using Twitter doesn’t that pretty much mean I’m partaking in the Twitter experience enough? Apparently not. They want more. They want you to follow them on their own website. I feel like if I said this 3 times in a mirror and then turned around 3 times a bloody social media executive would appear and murder me.

What’s next? Follow Twitter on Twitter while Tweeting about Twitter? Yes, apparently that is the next step because I searched it and a LOT of people who follow Twitter on Twitter tweet about Twitter. Say that 5 times fast (Twitter Twitter Tweet Twitter), actually, for all you actors out there this is probably a good vocal warm-up. You’re welcome.

I just don’t know if I can get behind Twitter that much. Wait, can you Facebook friend Facebook? I don’t know the answer to that but I would like to if anyone else does. I wonder if you get sucked into some type of vortex when you follow Twitter on Twitter or Facebook friend Facebook. It seems like that has to happen- like you have to be sucked into a vortex or black hole. Scientifically that would make sense.

See, now I’m in a dilemma because originally I thought “no way am I following Twitter on Twitter” but now that I’m pretty sure you get transported to an alternate universe or something I might want to. It’s a tough call. Hmmmm. I guess I’ll stay in this reality (I mean as much as I am ever in this reality) because I really wouldn’t know how to prepare for the alternate universe/vortex and I don’t want to go into it unprepared. Sorry Twitter. You lose this time.

I Joined Twitter Because My Blog is an Attention Whore

Twitter Follow Me

This is true. My blog is a complete attention whore. Somehow it’s taken on a life of it’s own and grown away from my shyness. It’s like in Little Shop of Horrors when the plant grows so big and starts eating people but Seymour is just a slave to it anyway. This blog getting on Twitter is just like that plant, except it feeds on visits and comments and I am just like Seymour, except no one has ever written a song about me.

So, there should be a little icon on the blog that let’s you follow this girlonthecontrary (or girlcontrary on Twitter). Interesting choice of words….follow. Kind of sinister, that. It’s like follow me at your own peril or follow me into this dark alleyway where I will definitely not murder you. Muahahaha. Or I guess it could be something pleasant like follow me to safety or follow me to the nearest sno-cone stand. I suppose whether it’s sinister or pleasant is up to me. Let’s just say for now follow me to humor and nonsense and contrariness.

Please follow this blog on Twitter, if you don’t it might become a lot more like Little Shop of Horrors and I’m pretty sure I will be the first to die. Save my life by following girlcontrary on Twitter and visiting this blog often. Otherwise, I can not be held responsible for this blogs actions. Heaven help us.

Also, any Twitter tips/guidance would be appreciated,or any suggestions as to who I should follow myself.  I’m a novice and not generally inclined to social media.

I am a Person. Not a Commodity.

Selling Yourself

I am a People! Not a Commodity! (He said in protest)

I really wanted to make the title of this post “I am a people. Not a commodity.” because I think that sounds funnier but then I remembered this post probably won’t be all that funny. You have been warned. Be A Lifehacker is being serious today. For real.

Have you ever known someone who seems like they are always trying to sell themselves to you? They are always talking about how intelligent, or shrewd, or clever, or wise, or strong, or business savvy, or tough, or….tall they are? Maybe you have mistaken it for ego. Maybe it is an out of control ego. But it is also something else, they want you to be sold on them. They have some sort of desperate need for validation that they really are all the things they tell everyone who will listen that they are. They collect admirers like feathers in their cap. They take great joy in telling people who they know or who speaks highly of them. They want titles alongside their name (even if those titles mean nothing to anyone else). They want to drive expensive cars that don’t quite fit their lifestyle. They relish in telling people where they live so as to see the look (real or imagined) of jealousy. You probably work with one or more of these people. They go by many names, the one-upper, the egomaniac, the douche-canoe, the tool, or simply and less imaginatively- the jackass. I am annoyed by these people. I have little tolerance for their self-centered diatribes. Unfortunately, there always seems to be a situation where I have to tolerate them, I have to fain cordiality or at least display a lack of hostility. C’est la vie, I suppose.

I think what bothers me the most is the notion of selling oneself. It is one of the things that makes me so uncomfortable about Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace. Yes, many people only use social media to connect with friends or others with similar interests but it seems to me, at least lately, that many more people are using social media to sell themselves. This shouldn’t be surprising considering the economic climate. People need to put their face’s and resumes out there to secure employment and that is quickly becoming social media’s bread and butter. But there is a difference between selling what you can do and selling who you are. I take issue with selling you you are- it’s like personality prostitution. You look at some people’s twitter accounts (and I am thinking of someone specific here but I’m sure it applies elsewhere) and their background is a picture of themselves and their icon is a picture of themselves and they have posted lots and lots of pictures of themselves- not with other people, just them. They have thousands and thousands of followers-do they really know all of these people? You can’t be sure but my guess would be no. Every post is about something great they did that day like “Made a huge sale and generated a year’s worth of revenue for my company by myself.” or “Made a huge donation to Breast Cancer Research today.” (don’t even get me started on the false altruism of statements like that….)  I like social media, in fact, I really like social media. I think it is very useful in the marketing of products. Emphasis on products. Products not people. I will happily market something I am working on (be it a novel, website, or blog) but I will not market myself. What I can do, sure. But not, absolutely not, who I am.

The worst part is when these “commodity people” as I like to refer to them try to give me advice on how I should sell myself. “Get on Facebook. Get on Twitter. Update your pictures. Sell, sell sell!” No thank you. I don’t have to be liked. If we meet and you like me then great we can get to know each other over time. If you meet me and don’t like me, that is absolutely ok, have a great life. I am a person, not a commodity. You can’t buy who I am and I won’t try to sell it to you. I am just befuddled at this attitude of desperation. Is it insecurity? I don’t know. Usually I have a pretty strong intuition about people and why they act the way they do. In this case, I can spot a “commodity people” from a mile away- but I have no idea why they are that way. Is it the emphasis on competition that is so rampant in our society? Is it a natural urge to dominate- like a natural selection thing? I don’t know. All I know is that the entire concept of marketing myself- the essence of me- is repellent. And I don’t think that “commodity people” realize that by constantly informing everyone about their “greatness” they are invalidating any greatness they may truly have. I also think that I am kind of alone in feeling this way. “Sell Yourself” is all over the internet and sites that contain methods of doing so are incredibly popular. Everyone wants to sell themselves. Except me. And I feel like Charlton Heston yelling “Soylent Green is people!!!”

Posted in Declarations, Life Tagged annoyance, charlton heston, commodity, commodity people, competitive society, desperation, douche canoe, economic climate, ego, egomaniac, , false altruism, Be A Lifehacker, insecurity, jackass, low tolerance, MySpace, natural selection, one-upper, people, personality prostitution, self-centered diatribes, sell yourself, selling a product, seriously, , soylent green is people, tool,

To Tweet Or Not To Tweet…

I have been considering getting a Twitter account. Usually I resist things like Twitter because I don’t like to jump on bandwagons and I’m definitely resistant to the idea that everyone wants to hear my 140 character thoughts every 10 minutes because I don’t want to hear theirs. So that’s my first thought. My second thought is that I am a big fat hypocrite because I advise the clients at my company to take advantage of social media (Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, etc.) to market and promote whatever it is they need to market and promote. Usually, I dodge my own hypocrisy by saying that I don’t have anything to promote business-wise and would therefore only be using these sites to market myself and that’s just egotistical. Usually that suffices, but now (or rather since November) I have had this blog that I am becoming more and more proud of because, well, I think I’m rather clever, and I would really like more people to read it and give me feedback even if it’s not nice (please please please let it be nice….) and though I have written plenty of blogs they have always been for clients or my company and this one is just mine and nobody tells me what I can and can’t write about and it just means more.  So we are right back to getting a Twitter account, which, if I haven’t been misleading my clients, should generate more traffic to this blog. Stupid hypocrisy looking me in the face.

So, I guess the question is, do I forsake my previous “I don’t Twitter because I’m not ridiculous” attitude and get an account so maybe more than 25 people will read this blog? Or do I stick to my condescending ways and just wait for the organic search traffic to start pouring in? (Because I’m sure people search things like “St. Valentine the Elusive” and “Are We Still Friends If I’m Not on Facebook” and the “The Chewing Gum Terror” on Google) Quite the dilemma as I’m very attached to my “I’m not ridiculous attitude”.

I mean is Twitter worth it? Social Media says yes. Social Media Defined says no. I hate it when they fight. Also, I hate it when I ask a question and there are like 7 different answers. And by 7 I mean there are 2. Either yes or no, but I have support for both of those answers and now my head hurts thinking about it. Thanks a lot Twitter. Thanks for not being either clearly worth it or clearly not, and thanks for making me feel like a hypocrite with a headache. I’m going to categorize this post under struggles- admittedly this is a small struggle but it’s my blog and I will do what I want. So there.

Also I still don’t know what I’m going to do about Twitter.

I do know I’m eating Mexican food tonight and I do know that my Mom is now reading this blog (and probably questioning my sanity), so there are two wins I have today. Well done girlonthecontrary, well done.